"Send in the Replacements" By Dr. Dinar

Send In The Replacements!  by Dr. Dinar

Let's face it... we've all done it.

At least to some extent.

By "it" I'm referring to fudging just the slightest bit on a job application.

Or four.

Adding just a lil' "extra" somewhere on our resumés.

Whether it be delivering pizza's or piloting the Space Shuttle, it never hurts to be the best you can be.

Or even better than that, if possible.

Even if it's only on paper.

If not, our work history would be exceedingly boring.

Which is almost always the case, even with the occasional "embellishment" added on

Even if it's only eliminating a job here or there along the way, simply to portray a bit more stability in your career choices.

Nobody wants any "gaps" in their work history.

There's nothing wrong with climbing the ladder.

Matter of fact, last I checked that type of improvement is encouraged.

It's the falling off of the ladder, followed immediately by the tumbling all the way back down to the ground that isn't always the best to put a spotlight on.

What's the harm in a little polishing here 'n there.

I mean, I highly doubt anyone out there is completely innocent

Regardless of where you sit on the pay scale, top to bottom, nobody's immune to wanting to make a great first impression.

And after all, you only get one chance to make a great first impression.

So it's always best to make it a great one.

Unfortunately the whole over promise and under deliver thing can come back to haunt you, despite your best intentions.

Or in the case of us Dinarians, perhaps it's the actions (or rather, the inactions) of some overpromising under-deliverers behind the curtains that are causing us all the harm.

The folks that obviously lied on their job applications and yet, be it through attrition, good fortune, family ties or whatever, were somehow able to secure their jobs anyway.

Yes, I'm referring to all the fine folks supposedly working feverishly behind the scenes to get this whole GCR thing wrapped up.

Signed, sealed, and delivered.

Let's face it, we all see it.

At this point it's extremely obvious they aren't in any way qualified to do the job.

At least not the job as it was assigned to them.

If that weren't the case, it only stands to reason the job would have been completed quite some time ago.

Not that they were or weren't qualified some 35 years ago when the process first began but it pretty much goes without saying that they're extremely underqualified for the current task at hand.

In all fairness, perhaps they weren't given the option to opt-out along the way.

Maybe their contribution to the GCR was simply assigned to them as another part of their daily duties.

Type this, file that, and oh yeah, completely recreate as well as restructure the entire global banking system before you head home today.

Who knows.

Chances are, after all this time they probably can't remember either.

Have they intentionally been endlessly dragging their feet, all in an effort to create job security?

 Or simply perfecting their wrench throwing abilities, all in hopes of keeping their Cornhole skills on point.

Whatever the case may be, they've certainly had more than plenty of time to get this thing done.

And to date, all efforts resulting in a big nothing.

Even with the earlier eight year pause-in-processing-progress, they've still had the past four years to more than make up for lost time.

To at least show some sign of progress in processing of the process.

Yet, here we sit, once again presumably progressless.

Basically broke & beyond befuddled.

Sound familiar?

Well, it should.

After all, it's the same feeling we've had each and every month for the past fifteen years.

How could we have been so delusional as to fall for it yet again.

To fall for the endless "It's happening tomorrow's".

For the "they want us out there shopping up a storm " rumor redundancy.

The one thing in all of this constant confusium that brings me just the slightest peace of mind is the knowing that I'm not alone.

That we're not alone.

Alone in our feeling of having been decidedly duped.

And if we feel taken, can you imagine how the HR peeps that hired these incompetent folks must feel.

I'll bet they aren't all that happy either.

How could they be.

They were hired to do a job.

They've had more than enough time to get it accomplished, and they've failed.

And might I add, miserably at that.

If any of us had been as inept in our daily duties we'd have been terminated many years ago.

 And I'm sure you'll agree, rightfully so.

Which begs the question, how did these people get hired in the first place.

Was there an RV/GCR Job Fair?

If so, I didn't get the memo.

Keep in mind when all these supposedly outstanding individuals were brought on board to complete their assigned duties, online job search giants such as Indoubt, Monstrosity, and Linked Out were nowhere to be found.

Nope, they, along with the world wide interwebs, had yet to be created.

In those days the hiring process likely involved numerous hand-written applications, hand-typed resumés, copious amounts of Cover Sheets, culminating in numerous nerve wracking face to face interviews.

And for the fortunate few that made it through, surviving the interview process, resulting in a win, combined with a "Please report to Karen McFiddlebuster in HR at 9am Monday morning" goodbye, followed by a quick handshake, and they were off.

Excitedly on their way home to iron their upcoming week's workwear and prepare for their magical future in the IT world to unfold.

As time passed, somehow these people managed to rise up through the ranks of the officially employed employees.

Not too sure exactly where they were first employed, but logic says it had to be somewhere semi important.

Which leads me to wonder how, if they did indeed fudge a bit on their resumés, how then were they able to reach the heights needed to be considered for such hugely important tasks as completing the GCR global redo.

That had to take some doing.

Or quite a bit of the ol' "it's not what you know as much as it is who you know" going on.

That's not to say there wasn't also a bit of luck involved along the way.

People quitting, leaving with little warning, creating openings that needed to be filled last minute with very little notice.

 Along with a bit of planned obsolescence, combined with the usual turnover associated with any business and you can begin to see how a few folks might be able to squeeze through the cracks while remaining under the radar and slide up the employment ladder without much notice.

But an entire group of people, all of whom are basically assigned to complete one main task, all seriously inept and void of competency?

That's still a tough pill to swallow.

And yet, here we are.

And there they are, for all we know fully preparing to go on yet another year-ending Holiday vacation.

All while the rest of the world continues to dangle ever so dangerously on the edge of a colossal cliff.

An absurdly high, rock filled, moss covered, straight up slope of scary proportions.

Teetering on the edge of a cliff the likes of which the world has never seen.

And there they are, acting all like whatever, no biggie.

C'est la vie, it is what it is.

Let the world crash, we'll still have our jobs in one form or another.

Different cubicle but nevertheless still employed.

At least it seems that way anyway.

Sure, we continue to hear lots of rumors of them supposedly being in a hurry, working feverishly to bring this thing to closure prior to a global crash, but to be honest, I'm not seeing a whole lot of evidence to back it up.

Yes, there have been a few banking infrastructure changes over the past couple years.

I'll give 'em that.

A few altercations... oops, I mean alterations in trade agreements with other countries.

But nothing concrete.

Nothing that says beyond a doubt this "change" or that "action" is directly connected to the completion of the GCR process, leading to what we all want, the actual release of the asset-backed USN.

And honestly, at this point, that's pretty much all I'm looking for.

That's where my focus is these days.

 On the release.

The "GO" signal.

Something that tells (as well as shows) me that once and for all we've finally gone asset-backed and we've made the change.

That's when I'll begin to get excited.

When I know my appointment at the Exchange Center is only a few short days away.

Until that day comes, I'm going to continue to hope they send out more than a few pink slips.

A bunch of "Enjoy your weekend... don't bother coming back on Monday!" emails being sent out.

Followed by a flood of job opening listings flooding all the internet sites leading to a long line of possible replacement recruits.

It's time to face facts.

The folks responsible for getting this GCR done ain't gettin' it done.

Because despite all the rumors of it being done, it ain't done.

Otherwise we'd be done reading the rumors and instead we'd be off making the world a better place for all involved.

So let's continue to hang in there folks.

You never know, perhaps this message will help light a fire under whomever's butt needs a nudge.

Even better, maybe it will send a message to the Head of Butt Nudging and he or she will send a mass email to all concerned.

Either way, I feel better knowing I did my fair share to shed a bit of light on a glaringly obvious problem.

And while I'm at it, I'd be remiss if I didn't send a quick shoutout to my Brother in Law for making the most of his quarantine lockdown time by graduating in the top 99.8% of his class and receiving his (printable) online IT degree from ITT University.

It's amazing what can be achieved over a years time, putting in 4 short hours per week combined with 12 easy payments of $49.99 per month.

Hmmm... come to think of it, let's hope that if by some strange set of circumstances an opportunity does open up in the GCR release crew, that they keep my Brother in Law in mind.

Despite his more than likely being extremely overqualified for the position, I'm fairly certain he would entertain the offer and indeed consider it an honor to even be considered for such an important mission.

Anyway, please continue to hang in there folks.

This ride's gotten a little crazy and we don't wanna be blindsided by the insanity.

Kindly,   Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I an ITT University recruiter. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

 From Recaps Archives

"Humor While We Wait" By Sabickford 7-27-2021

Humor While We wait…..From Markz’s Chat

Sabickford:  I'll tell you why I can't lose Weight. I've got Metal Fillings in my teeth and the Refrigerator Magnets keep pulling me into the Kitchen.

I May not have lost all of my marbles just yet, but there is definitely a small hole in the bag somewhere.

If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've done it already.

I told my Job that 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise. My Boss asked what companies? I said Power, Electric, and Gas.

Confuse your Doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

If you could read my mind you'd back away slowly - Then run for your life!

I'll have a Café Mocha Vodka Valium Latte to go Please.

Out of all my body parts my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 342 times a day.

My body is a Temple. Ancient and Crumbling. Probably Cursed or Haunted.

It takes real skill to Choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing. I Have that skill.

Technically If you don't cut a cake and eat the whole thing with a fork, you still only had one piece.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes - all the others were nines and tens….

When your Happy and you know it - It's Your Meds!!

Good Morning to Everyone, except those people who don't gain weight when they eat whatever they want.

Tomorrow is National stay at home with your dog and drink wine day. It's nothing official, I made it up. Tell the others.

There's no need to drive me crazy. I'm close enough to Walk!

Say no to Childhood Obesity! Eat your children's chocolate eggs now!

I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I thought the Dryer made my clothes shrink, Turns out it was the refrigerator.

I want to lose weight, But I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat Right and Exercise" Scams.

Behind every Angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

Normal is Overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk & banged on his own door for 5 Min. Problem is, he lives alone. I went over and told him He wasn't there, so he left.

Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants catch on fire.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, You are probably holding the Taser wrong.

Food for Thought - Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken were fried in Olive Oil?

I want a closed casket Funeral. However, towards the end of the service I want the organist to play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.

A guy wants a divorce. He tell the judge, "I just can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after Midnight just going from Bar to Bar." Judge Asks, "What's she doing?" The guy answers, "Looking for me."

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?" He said "I Forgot her name 5 Years ago and I'm Afraid to ask her!"

Life was simpler when Apple and Blackberry were Just Fruits and the Amazon was just a River

Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

I was watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked his car. He kept putting his remote in the air, and every time he squeezed it …I honked my horn.

Crap! Now the voices in my head have learned Sign Language

Did you know on the Canary Islands There is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same Thing - Not one Canary There.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 sec. in my head, That'll freak you right out!!!

To the teenager who flipped me off for honking at them, Your Cell Phone is on top of your car!

If you look close enough, that High Horse some people are riding is actually a Donkey!

Before you try to hurt my feelings, Take into account that I don't have any, and you probably do.

I've been A lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear nobody recognizes you there. I have however been in Sane, They don't have a airport there, you have to be driven. I have made several Trips.

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently this is unacceptable in Bowling.

You are dust and will return to dust…That's why I don't dust. It might be someone I Know.

When a Woman says "Correct me if I'm Wrong." Do not under any, I mean ANY Circumstances do it!!

There are so many scams on the Internet these days....but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

I want to go to IKEA, hide in a wardrobe, wait for someone to open it and yell "WELCOME TO NARNIA".

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

That mmoent you mqke a post and u relise that u speled half the words rong and u lok stupid.

I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday Night, then watch them fight from my living room windows eating popcorn.

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”.

So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.

"When Dogs Can Fly" by Dr. Dinar

When Dogs Can Fly by Dr. Dinar

Well, they did say it would get crazy at the end.

And if you don't think things are getting crazy, then you're living in an entirely different reality than I am.

Although I will admit it's been crazy for quite some time now.

Like about the last 10 years or so.

At least that's the way it seems anyway.

And we were always hoping it was the end but alas, it wasn't.

Nope, not even close to the end.

For as long as I can recall we've been hearing some of the craziest stuff one can imagine.

But it's not like what we have going on right now.

Especially not on such an all-encompassing global scale.

It's as if the two "Stephens", both King and Spielberg, got together to collaborate on a mind blowing mashup in tribute to Gene Roddenberry.

We often hear the saying "You can't make this shtuff up."

Yet, it's more than obvious they can. And do.

Consistently, on a week to week, month by month, basis.

It seems as if they're never at a loss for crazy.

Back in the day it was all about Iraq and the seating of their government.

That game of musical chairs has gone on for years, one regurgitated article after another.

Occasionally they'd get so ahead of themselves that they'd forget to change the date and once their cover was blown, they'd be forced to create an even bigger lie to outdo their previous ridiculousness, hoping to conceal the unreal.

All the while banking on a serious lack of attention span on the part of your everyday currency holder.

Like a runaway freight train that's lost its Engineer, everyone asleep at the wheel.

They'd simply allow it to run its course until they could imagineer the next latest, greatest delay.

Yet another hitch in a long list of glitches that would once again prevent Iraq from ever reaching a point of posting anything in the Gazette.

Even crazier yet, they've pretty much come full circle with their current cast of characters.

Almost all of these folks currently in the articles are all the same names from the past.

Talk about an unforgettable flashback.

Although back then Sadr was the ultimate bad guy, always threatening to have all of "his" people riot if they didn't get things done ASAP.

By "things" I'm referring to laws passed, Budget revealed, HCL implemented, Article 140, Erbil, Arbil, Gerbil whatevered.

The list goes on, add infinitum.

Then post it in the Gazette, announce it in the Mosques and RV the IQD.

The only thing I see as currently missing is the announcement that Talibani, Barzani, Maliki and Shabibi have been spotted at Baghdad Country Club sneaking out for a quick 18 holes before they release the Budget.

That will be the confirmation, for me at least, that they too have reached an entirely new level of crazium.

So here we are, some 10 years later, not knowing for certain if any of that is, has, or ever will be accomplished.

Likely we never will.

But one thing we do know is none of that matters.

Nope, not a factor in any of this RV/GCR process.

They can and will continue to do whatever they do as they twitter... oops, I mean twittle their thumbs, waiting for the official "GO" signal.

Just like the rest of us, waiting impatiently in the queue.

Matter of fact, I'll bet they're all equally as amazed at just how everything is playing out on a global scale and have plenty of popcorn on hand.

I mean, who could've even begun to imagine all that's currently going on.

We've successfully navigated through a myriad of misconceptions throughout the years but nothing even comes close to what we're dealing with right now.

For those that have only been around for the past 5 or so years, although you might have missed out on most of the Iraq outrageousness that used to serve as our daily dose of crazium, you've managed to get up close and personal with plenty of lunacy.

They've done their very best to not only match but to surpass the previous level of impossibilities.

From Clones wearing gold ties and ankle boots on their feet to security Drones to Aliens conducting NDA... oops, I mean DNA probes while they laser-off our fingerprints.

It's been crazy, personified.

And yet, here we sit, not really remembering any of that.

Things seem to have taken on a surreal feeling.

It's almost like an out of body kinda thing.

It's as if we're watching this whole thing play out but not actually experiencing it for real.

Could that be because I've become so jaded after all these years of nothing coming true.

Or could it be the exact opposite.

Because I'm beginning to see so many of the rumors of our past actually playing out right before my very eyes.

So many things that I just about threw my neck out shaking my head from side to side in sheer disbelief when I first heard them, now coming forth as reality.

I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong.

And lemme tell ya', I've been wrong on more than a few occasions during this seemingly never ending journey.

I've been forced to open my mind to the possibility of their implementing an entirely new banking system.

Which I've always felt was needed but wasn't entirely convinced was possible.

And yet, welcome to the QFS.

Consider me convinced.

Same with the whole "rates" thing as well.

No, I'm not a believer in these so called "Contract" rates being anything us regular folks will ever be near or dear to.

While they might be a reality for the higher-up's, I seriously doubt they will be a factor at our level.

But neither am I a believer in the $0.10 rate that had everyone so excited a mere decade ago.

I guess I'm more middle-of-the-road, believing we'll do very well.

Whatever that means.

Speaking of opening my mind, if you've been around for half a decade or so then you'll surely remember Zap and his Flying Purple Pig "Snuffles".

Part of his weekly updates.

And by "updates", I mean rebuttals as he continually received plenty of flak for his predictions that never materialized.

Welcome Zap, join the crowd.

Up to this point, everybody's been wrong.

It goes without saying Zap's a lively character and I believe he's still out there somewhere.

Through no fault of his own he truly thought he had a handle on how things were going and where we stood in the world's slowest rollout.

Unfortunately he wasn't any closer than anyone else on the GCR Guesstimation Gauge.

Had he been, we'd already be oot 'n aboot, enjoying the "Pay It Forward" lifestyle that we're all looking oh so forward to.

Who knows, with all the other outrageous stuff that's come true after all these years I won't be the least bit surprised to get word of a Flying Purple Pig sighting in the near future.

Even better yet, I'd love to see a Flying Dog or two land on my window sill.

I'll bet they could slide in under the recently imposed travel restrictions.

That could very well be the missing sign we're all so anxiously awaiting.

The tipping point.

The signal telling us we've finally reached the necessary level of crazy.

Crazy enough for them to finally release the RV/GCR.

Buckle up folks because things could get a bit bumpy.

While I don't believe we've actually reached maximum crazium level just yet, one can't help but be extra encouraged by the level of crazy we're now experiencing.

We've got to be getting close.

Please don't bail out now.

You've made it this far, you can make it to the finish line.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I in any way connected to Wall St., the NASDAQ, the Stock Market, day trading, nor am I the owner of a Flying Dog-Bird. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

News, Rumors and Humor Thursday Night 7-8-2021

TNT:

Tishwash:  IYAD ALLAWI: IRAQ IS NO LONGER A PRIORITY FOR THE UNITED STATES

ALSharqiya, July 8: Former Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi said that the United States removed Iraq from its list of foreign priorities and put it on the sidelines because it was fed up with its problems over the previous years.

Allawi revealed, during a program with the three, about the visit of a delegation from Biden's team to Baghdad last week to assess the situation, noting that the members of the delegation confirmed that Washington was tired of Iraq's complex and linguistic situation   link

Cutebwoy:  just saying Remember to watch the 7/15/21 date with all this talk coming out of iraq now about white paper implementation .

Tishwash:  Al-Kazemi's advisor: Announcing the actual implementation of the white paper soon

The economic advisor to the Prime Minister, Alaa Abdel Hussein, confirmed that the actual implementation of the white paper will soon be announced, while noting that there are central and sub-committees to implement it .

Abdul Hussein said in a televised statement, today, Wednesday, that "Iraq over the past decades has suffered from economic problems," noting that "the Iraqi economy has gone through several stages, which made it rentier and dependent on oil ."

He added, "There is an increase in population growth by 3% annually and our resources are limited," noting that "the white paper included analyzing and diagnosing economic problems and identifying effective solutions ."

He continued, "We are working with various ministries to identify projects for the official announcement of the actual implementation of the white paper," stressing, "Very soon, the actual implementation of the white paper will be announced ."

He pointed out that "there are central and sub-committees to implement the white paper," noting that "the projects mentioned in the white paper are of a professional, not political, character ."   link 

***********

Courtesy of Dinar Guru

Frank26  Iraq will either go 1 to 1 internally or they will un-peg from the American dollar and they will float their currency on par with the American dollar...They aren't gonna stop at 1 to 1.  They don't want to be a worthless American dollar's worth.  Saudi Arabia what are you worth against the American dollar?  3 what!?!  Geez Louise!  You think Iraq's gonna stand for that? ...so they will either be 1 to 1 and stay like that - I doubt it.  They'll un-peg more than likely, go on par with their assets backing up their currency, take it out to a float...

Militiaman I'm looking forward to seeing if the 2021 budget is exposed to the program rate. I don't believe it will be. A lot of people suggest that it is cut in stone and that's the way it's going to be for a year. I don't believe in that...because...the amount of money that is going to be made in the country is going to be astronomical ...we're getting ready to explode. I'm actually very excited...

***********

Holly Third Update Thursday 7-8-2021

Just did a call and we are still being told the F&Ps are to go by tomorrow.

I was also told that all interest and back taxes going back to 1940 will in fact be refunded.

Taxes will cease once Nesara is announced

Humor While We Wait: 

Sabickford:  If you boil a Funny Bone it becomes a Laughing Stock. That's Humerus.

Roadside Sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a Fitted Sheet.

Everybody has a washboard stomach - Mine just happens to have a load of laundry on top.

My Mind is Exceptionally Quiet - I'm Suspicious that I'm up to something I don't want myself to know about.

What’s the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? One requires Tweetment and the other requires Oinkment.

I'm so old I remember when a "Hashtag" was called a pound sign. And We played Tic-Tac-Toe on that stuff.

Another Wine Bottle with no Genie at the Bottom. I'll Keep Trying!.

When is this "Old enough to know Better" Supposed to Kick In?

I am one step away from being Rich!!! Now All I need is the Money!

My Mood ring is missing and I don't know how to feel about that!

That Awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for Brains and walks right By you.

I'm going to try and act like a normal, Happy, Mentally Balanced Person Today… WISH ME LUCK!

I'm not self-medicating with Chocolate. The Lady at the shop wrote me a prescription… Well, she called it a receipt. Whatever.

I wish all the extra fat on my body would fall off and turn into money. Anyone Else?

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get my guide on how to become a Millionaire on Facebook

My Doctor told me I really need to start watching my drinking so I am off to find a bar with a mirror.

I've done some terrible things for money like getting up early to go to work!!

Interviewer: "So Tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not, I kind of need this job."

I don't think inside the box. I don't think outside the box either. I don't even know where the box is!

If you Eat well, and get LOTS of Sleep…And Exercise, and Drink Lots of Water…You'll die anyway. Open the Wine!!!

I'm still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone Else?

Humor While We Wait....Saturday Night 6-19-2021

Humor While We wait

Sabickford:  Whoever said "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

Me: I thought Juice Cleanses were good for you. Doctor: Drinking Mimosa's and Bloody Mary's for three days straight aren't a Juice Cleanse.

I accidentally wore a red shirt into Target today and to make a long story short, This Saturday I'm covering for Debbie.

Due to rising costs, dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Starbucks is planning on selling Beer and Wine. Apparently it's almost impossible to sell a sober person a $12 cup of coffee.

TNT: Fathers Day Humor

Mot:  ~~ This Mornning He Said His Ear Hurt -----

Mot:  ~~~ Happy Fathers Day to -----

Mot: ~~~ Five Rules fur Men to Follow ----

Mot:  ~~~ Took My Dad to the Mall the other Day ---

Mot: ~~~ Gramps Rules!! ~~~

More Humor While We Are Still Waiting....Might as Well Laugh!

Humor While We Wait:

Sabickford:  Ignorance can be trained and Crazy can be medicated… But there's no cure for stupid.

You know nothing about a woman until she is drunk and mad at you

I don 't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what come's out of my mouth.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect

I know what women want. They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed, and do dirty dishes while they take a nap.

It's a SCIENTIFIC Fact: Never tell a woman that she's crazy unless you really want to see crazy.

Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone or have been affected by someone who needs a smack upside the head. Let's raise awareness.

My Parents Spanked me as a Child. As a result I now suffer a psychological condition known as "Respect For Others".

The phrase "Ignore is and it will go away." does not apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars. Trust me on this one.

Here's my resignation from adulthood. From now on all decisions will be made by rock, paper, scissors, and all arguments will be handled by sticking my tongue out at the other person…..

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

Being a man is being able to do what I want when I want and not having to … Hell She's coming!!! To be continued.

f I was a JEDI there would be 100% chance that I would use the force inappropriately

I spent my entire childhood wishing that I was older. Now that I'm older this stuff sucks.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions

I 've been hiding from exercise. I'm in a fitness protection program.

Old People at weddings always poke me and say "You're Next!" So I started doing the same thing to them at Funerals.

I'm the kind of friend that will help you hide a dead body. But if you Betray me, remember I know how to hide a dead body.

The cashier said Strip down, facing me. How was I to know she meant my debit card?

If you say "GULLIBLE" slowly it sounds like "ORANGES" (You did it didn't you)

More Humor While we wait:  From Recaps Archives

Subject: PLACES TO RETIRE
 
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where

1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
 
OR

You can retire to California where...

1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 
5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1   You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You've worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

You can retire to Wisconsin where...

1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 
6.  The highest level of criticism is "He is different,"  "She is different," or "It was different!"
7.  A five foot blonde who weighs 180 lbs is considered anorexic.
 
 OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3.  "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  "in yonder,"  "over yonder"  or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!
 OR

You can move to Colorado where...

1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...  

1.  You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition;  "Where's my coat at?" 
 
OR

FINALLY you can retire to Florida where...

1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
 
OR just stay where you are and complain about the same thing you complain about everyday..lol

Humor While We Wait....and Wait.....And Wait...........

Humor while we wait.

Those Questions No One Can Answer

Why does rain drop and snow falls?

What disease did cured ham have?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they still call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan?

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say?

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stands on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Why does "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

Why do they call it a rest room when you’re not there to rest?

Why do they call it a tooth brush and not a teeth brush?

Why is it a flock of birds but a gaggle of geese?

Why do the call a rabbits foot lucky? not lucky for the rabbit and he had 4

A Good Deed

A man tries to enter heaven but there are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. St. Peter asked several questions. Was he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?

The man answered each question, "No".

Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Now think!"

The man says, "I came out of a store and found a little old lady surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his face."

"Wow, said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago"

************

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (Have you Smiled Today?)

NICKNAMES

• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.

• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.

• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.

• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.

• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Humor While We Wait...and Wait...and Wait Some More......LOL

From Recaps Archives

Humor While We Wait:

Sabickford:  Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

The best revenge is massive success

Even Duct Tape Can't Fix Stupid - But it Can Muffle the Sound

When someone asks what I did over the weekend I squint and ask "Why what did you hear?"

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it he will. There is no need to pester him about it every 6 months

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very Dangerous.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind I'm not sure I'd want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know that I am Annoying.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong. I can't wait to find out what it was.

You Can't buy Happiness But You Can Buy Wine And that's kind of the same thing

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

I Do not have a screw loose. It fell Out!

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a shovel, duct tape, rope, and a tarp and no one questions your motives.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Lead Me Not Into Temptation, I Can Find The Way Myself

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

Life is too short to drink Cheap Wine

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

To all trolls - Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Thanks to the people who walked in to my life and made it better. And Thanks to the ones who walked out of my life and made it amazing.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

This has been verified by some recent research on the Dead Sea Scrolls.

How the Internet Began:

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that's how the Internet began.

*****************

TNT:

Teaspot:  What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.

What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? ......... Dogerpillers.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.

What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the Galaxy.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? .......................Just follow the fresh prints!

What did the clock do when it was hungry? .................................It went back four seconds.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? ~~~~~~~~~~~~A can't opener.

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? ........... Anna one, Anna two

A Mother's Dictionary

Happy Mothers Day to all the moms (Dads, aunts, uncles, grandparents ect....) reading this.....hope it makes you smile.....

A Mother's Dictionary

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning

"BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

 JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-m‚chÈ volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends."

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMMY!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

 UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS"

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Humor While We Wait- "Judge At A Chili Cook-off"

From Recaps Archives …..Humor while we wait

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.
 
Man Gets Selected To Be A Judge At A Chili Cook-Off.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in...

I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
 
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
 
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
 
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.
 
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
 
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
 
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
 
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- No report.

More "Humor While We Wait" On a Quiet Friday Night

You know you're a redneck Jedi when..

You hear "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

We have all been there......but this description is beyond pricless....have you laughed today???.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes in a box larg e enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.

 I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.