Humor While We Wait....and Wait.....And Wait...........
Humor while we wait.
Those Questions No One Can Answer
Why does rain drop and snow falls?
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?
Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?
Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?
If a deaf person goes to court, do they still call it a hearing?
What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan?
We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say?
If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?
Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stands on all four feet? They're both dogs.
Why does "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?
On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?
If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?
Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?
Why do they call it a rest room when you’re not there to rest?
Why do they call it a tooth brush and not a teeth brush?
Why is it a flock of birds but a gaggle of geese?
Why do the call a rabbits foot lucky? not lucky for the rabbit and he had 4
A Good Deed
A man tries to enter heaven but there are some criteria to be met before entry is allowed. St. Peter asked several questions. Was he religious in life? Did he attend church? Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor, to charities? Did he do any good deeds? Did he help his neighbor?
The man answered each question, "No".
Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Now think!"
The man says, "I came out of a store and found a little old lady surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spit in his face."
"Wow, said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago"
************
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE (Have you Smiled Today?)
NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals..
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humour and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.