"Things to Make You Smile" Tuesday Night 5-30-2020

Humor

Jun 30

Written By Dinar Recaps 20

Humor While We Wait

Sabickford: The air is so full of sanitizer, I'm not getting any Dirty Thoughts these days.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes - She Hugged me.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it he will. There is no need to pester him about it every 6 months

How do you make Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it.

Sorry, I can't go to work tomorrow. I fractured my motivation

Apparently when you treat people like they treat you they get upset. Who Knew?

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or a Utter Failure?

My body is a Temple. Ancient and Crumbling. Probably Cursed or Haunted.

It takes real skill to Choke on air, fall up stairs, and trip over completely nothing. I Have that skill.

There's no need to drive me crazy. I'm close enough to Walk!

Dear Alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me Funnier, Smarter, and a better Dancer. I saw the Video…We need to talk.

The Police stopped me last night, came up to my window and said, "Papers". I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. He's Chasing me. He must want a re-match.

I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the Exit.

Food for Thought - Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's Chicken were fried in Olive Oil?

I've learned two very important things in my life. The First I can't remember. The second is I have to start writing things down.

Did you know that is you light a candle under the moonlight and say 3 times the name of the person you love, You will look really stupid doing that.

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?" He said "I Forgot her name 5 Years ago and I'm Afraid to ask her!"

How Long is this Social Distancing going to Last? My Wife keeps trying to come in the house.

To all Politicians - Sorry I sprayed that WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that annoying noise it was making.

Don't forget to drink water and get sunlight because basically you are a house plant with more complicated emotions

So I got a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn't understand me. I told him push 1 for English.

Well this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

I wish all the extra fat on my body would fall off and turn into money. Anyone Else?

That Awkward moment when a Zombie is looking for Brains and walks right By you

When we are this tired….sometimes this poem helps to hang in their one more day….And if we hang on one more day……maybe that will finally be “The Day” we have been waiting for.

DON’T QUIT

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest, if you must, but don’t quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow-
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man:
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup.
And he learned to late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar:
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit-
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Anonymous