Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  It seemed to take for ever but eventually there she was stood beside me..................

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating so fast and the expectation was unbearable.

It seemed to take for ever but eventually there she was stood beside me.

I gave her a lovely smile and said :

"get that trolley over here they are doing three cases of Budweiser for the price of two!"

Mot:  A father of five won a large stuffed animal in a raffle.....

Most Deserving

A father of five won a large stuffed animal in a raffle.

All the way home he agonized about which child should receive the toy. When he arrived, he called the kids together.

"I have decided this gift should go to the most deserving," he said.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mommy?

Who does everything she says?" 

Five small voices cried in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

************

Mot:  WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Mot:  ~~ I Thinks its a Marital Thingy!! ~~~

Mot:  ... and Yet another ""Survival Tip"" from Mot of Course! ~~

Jay Leno Proves Cats Are Smarter Than Dogs ....  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PljWXf8KI88

Just For "Kicks and Grins" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  A tourist went to Mexico and praised the local fishermen for the quality of their fish and then asked them?

How much time do you need to catch it? And the fishermen answered him in one voice:

"Not long"

He asked them: Why don't you spend more time and fish more?

The fishermen made it clear that their little catch would suffice their needs and the needs of their families!

He asked them: But what do you do in the rest of your time?

They answered:

We sleep late..

We fish a little...

We play with our children.

We eat with our wives.

And in the evening we visit our friends..

We have fun, laugh and chant some songs

The tourist interrupted:

I have an MBA from Harvard University and I can help you!

You have to start fishing for long periods every day..and then sell the extra fish for a bigger return

And buy a bigger fishing boat 00

They asked him: Then what?

He replied: With the big boat and the extra money..

You can buy a second and third boat, and so on until you have an integrated fleet of fishing vessels,

Instead of selling your catch to an intermediary, you will negotiate directly with the factories, and perhaps you will also open your own factory,

And you will be able to leave this village and move to Mexico, the capital, or Los Angeles or even New York!

From there you will be able to start your giant projects 00

The fishermen asked the tourist:

How much time will we need to achieve this?

He replied: About twenty or maybe twenty-five years 00

They asked him: What next?

He replied with a smile: When your business grows, you will speculate in stocks and win millions 00

They asked him in amazement:

Millions? Oh really ?

And what will we do after that?

He replied: Then you can retire

And live quietly in a village on the coast, sleep late..

You play with your children.

And you eat with your wives.

And spend the nights enjoying with friends

The fishermen answered

With all due respect and appreciation

But that's exactly what we're doing now,

So, what is the logic for which we waste twenty-five years of misery?

************

Mot: This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answers quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. I bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there.

Woman:Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary).
Woman: And how long have youbeen drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400. Correct?
Man: Correct.
Woman: If in one year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000. Correct?
Man:  Correct.
Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman:  No.
Man:  So where's your airplane?

Mot:  .... Ya Know Its Great When its the ""S"" Word! ~~~

Mot:  ... Amazing How That Works! - HUH!! ~~~~

Mot: ..... Gotta Love Karma fer Sure!! ~~~~

"Humor While We Wait" From Recaps Archives

The Difference Between Man and Woman!

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

RV Currency Holders:  WATCHING AND WAITING ~ PHINEAS AND FERB

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpx5u1Ua-ZM

Okay PTB listen to this song and LET IT GO....Pull that trigger~!!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU&feature=youtu.be

"Daylight Savings Time" Humor While We Wait Posted by Mot At TNT

Mot: .... Don't Forget!! ~~~~~FAll Back

Mot: .. Mots Special Guide fer Tonight! ~~

Mot: ... YES! - Just Pick One - K!!!! ~~~~

Mot: ~~ Soooooooo - What is Sunday??? ~~~

Mot:  .. Making it Longer by! ~~~ HUH??? 

Mot:  ... Getting Ready They Is!!! ~~~~

Mot:  . Once Again!! -- Support Groups Will be Popping Up all over! ~~~  DST lose an hour

Mot: ~~ Get REady!!! ~~~~~

Mot:  ..... Sure Hope this Doesn't Get Messed Up Ya Knows! ~~~~

Mot:  ..... Tah Dah!! -- This Coming Monday ~~~~

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  “From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor”

“Of course child. What may I do for you”

 “Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me.. Hide it under your robes perhaps ?

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

************

Mot:  Dang! - Ya Gots to Be REalllly Careful Playing with the Settings!! 

Mot: Soooo Thoughtful!! ~~~~

Mot:  ..I'm In Trouble Again!! -- Guys!!! - It MUST be a Marital Thingy!!!

Mot:  ..... And Then the Fight Started! ~~~~

Mot: ..... What is the Wildest Question!!???? ~~~~~

"Teens, Kids and More..." Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  Ten Things I Should Have Taught My Teens BEFORE They Left Home

by Betsy Voreacos| February 19, 2020

 “But, mom!” the living-back-at-home daughter protested. “You have to TELL me these things.”

These things include, but are not limited to, extracting long strands of brown wavy hair from the bathroom drain. Curbing her ten-dollar-a-day grapes habit, or at the very least, replacing said fruit.

Completing a cycle of laundry before the mother comes along with the next three loads and angrily folds what has been left in the dryer, because, contrary to popular belief, she’s not mean enough to throw it in a crumpled heap on the daughter’s bedroom floor. Which is exactly where it came from.

As the revolving door on Grove Street opens and closes to my adult offspring, I find myself marveling at how little they know about basic household concepts. Or, in other words, how much I failed to teach them. I take most of the blame. Most. Not all. Because, I always had a valid excuse.

When they were growing up and I was schlepping them from field to field, house to house, school to school, I just didn’t have the time. It was so much more efficient to do it myself than to redo what they tried to do.

If I had it to do over, here’s what I would have taught my teens before they left home:

What to tell teens before they leave home

1. I would teach my children that sheets should be changed more than once a year. That toothpaste droolings in the sink are not attractive. And that toilets don’t get cleaned by themselves.

2. I would show them how to lower the shades at night and how to open them in the morning. Where the outside trashcan is. And how to take the recycling bins to the curb on alternate Tuesdays.

3. I’d explain why it’s not a good idea to leave a plastic bag on top of the toaster oven when it’s in use. Why the dishwasher doesn’t remove burnt-on food byproducts. And why baked potatoes blow up in the microwave if not pierced with a fork.

4. I would teach my children to hand wash the ice cream scooper that says not dishwasher safe and not put the Henckles knives in the dishwasher. Or the cash iron skillets. Or the plastic water bottles on the bottom rack.

5. I’d show them how to water the plants on the porch. How to empty the overflowing mailbox that they pass every time they come in the door. How to plunge a toilet. How to tell when cold cuts have gone rancid. And how to use a coaster.

6. I’d explain the reasoning behind bringing deck chair cushions in before it rains. Cutting the grass before the neighbors ask us to. Emptying the (I didn’t even know we had one) dehumidifier before it overflows. Replenishing the milk before it’s all gone.

7. I would teach my children how to use a hanger. How to replace the toilet paper. How to finish a water bottle. And how to vacuum dog hair.

8. I’d show them where the cleaning supplies are kept. Where the car keys are hung. And where the closest Ben & Jerry’s is. Just in case they wanted to pick up some Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream for someone they love.

9. I’d explain the importance of keeping the inside shower curtain in and keeping the outside curtain out. That there’s a direct correlation between round-the-clock air conditioning and over-the-top electric bills. That paid-for car insurance, and cell phones, are not God-given rights.

10. I would teach my children that texting to say “I’m alive” with aforementioned paid-for-by-parent cell phone (because a family plan is so much cheaper) is kind. That saying “Thanks for all you do, Mumsie,” is sweet. That answering a direct question with a blank stare is not.

If I had it to do over, I’d do it all much differently. I’d be stricter. I’d be stronger. I’d do what my friend Barbara tells me to do every time she sees me. I’d charge rent. From middle school on.

When I muddle and muse over these many misdoings, misgivings and misparentings, I can’t help but wonder how the great mothers of the world do it. My soon-to-be 93 year-old mama comes immediately to mind.

And that’s when I laugh.

Because, not all that long ago, she could have written this very same story about my sisters and me.

Mot:  ... Remembering That First Ride! ~~~

Mot: .... Did yah ever Notice that ~~~

Mot: ~~~~ Wild Ones are the Bestest!! ~~~~

Mot:  ... When the ""Wee Folks"" Teach Us! ~~~

Mot: .. ooooh..... ooooh..... ooooh...

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

Mot:  A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

 She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied...

"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

.I just lost it.......

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

***************

Mot:  ... Immediate Openings Here at Our Flying School!!

Mot:  . the Big Challenge! -- making them Last till the big night! ~~

Mot:  .... ooooh the Delima of Growing Up and ~~

Mot:  ... Careful Out there as She May ~~~

Mot: .... Do Ya Get It!! ~~~~

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  A husband went to police station to report his missing wife

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant: Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car?

Husband : Yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door… at this point the husband started crying.

Sergeant : Don’t worry sir … We will find your car.

************

Mot:  A man is driving down a country road when he spots an Fellow standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the Fellow is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the Fellow and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The Fellow replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Mot: ........ YEPPERS!!!! ~~~~

Mot: . Ya Ever Wonder! - WHY -

Mot: ... Must be Relatives out There!! ~~~~

Mot:  ... My Kind of Gal! ~~~~~

Mot:  ~~ A Ghost Tries to Scare a Couple Guys! ~~  moving picture

Saturday Night "Kicks and Grins" posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  My wife started reading the Exorcist on the............... ((( and then the Fight Started )))........

My wife started reading the Exorcist on the train to work.

She said " she thought it was the most evil book she had ever read".

She said "it was so evil she couldn't finish it".

So, at the weekend she went to the end of the pier and threw it into the sea.

So I went to the local book store and I bought another copy .

Then I put it in water for two hours. and left on her dressing table for her to find it..

Mot:  "My wife forgot to leave for me the carseat to take our son to the babysitter's house.

This is the picture I sent when she asked how I was going to get him there.

I then turned off my phone for the next 4 hours."

Mot:  This is (allegedly) the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYsdUgEgJrY

Mor: ... Ur Welcome! - Sooo Glad to Help Out! ~Dad helps with costume

Mot: ........ Clever!! ~~~~~~

Mot:  ... soooo - This is What Happens on ~~~

"Humor While We Wait" posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot: My boss said he wasn’t getting enough respect - so he ......

My boss said he wasn’t getting enough respect - so he taped a sign to his door that read: “I’m the Boss"

He returned from lunch later and found someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

” Your wife called, she wants her sign back"

Mot:  ~~~ Ya Know - Ya Just Gots to Love ole ""Fred"" ~~~

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

 **************

Mot:  .. Sooo Getting REady fur the Big Day!! ~~~~

Mot : ....... Dang!! - its even in the Air!! ~~

Mot:  ~~ Guess Who Went fur a Practise Ride Last Night!! ~~~

Mot: ...... All the Best! ~~~~~have a beautiful night

Sabickford's "Greatest Hits" Reposted Per Request

Thank you Sabickford!

Sabickford’s “Greatest Hits”  From Recaps Archives

I'm not saying it's hot outside but two Hobbits just threw a ring into my backyard

Warning- going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday

I want to start juicing but I'm hesitant, I don't know how to juice Tacos

I've finally lost my mind. If found Don't bother to return it. It wasn't working properly anyway.

For the first time in forever, I decided to go shoot some pool tonight. You should have seen the look on the face of those swimmers.

Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

I had My Wife Begging to me the other night - She was on her knees Begging - She Said Please come out from under the Bed and Fight Like A Man

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do…

Chinese proverb: "Man who want nurse for girlfriend must be patient"

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

I'm great at multi-tasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Tomorrow is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day!" I just made that up. Tell the Others,

I was born with my heart on my sleeve, a fire in my soul, and a mouth I can't control

Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

It's ok to swallow your pride, You won't gain a pound

Inside me is a thin man trying to get out…I usually shut him up with chocolate.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.

I hate it when the voices in my heads go Silent… I never know what they are planning.

How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

Wouldn't it be really fun if breast implants came with Squeaky toys inside them?

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces from now and then.

Nothing Says 'I HATE YOU" like giving someone's Kid a Drum Set

TEENAGERS tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW move out, get a job, and Pay your own way , QUICK while you still know everything!

A State trooper was asked on a Exam "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?" In the Blank he put "Call for Backup!!!"

The cashier said Strip down, facing me. How was I to know she meant my debit card?

To All Trolls - So tell me.. Is your butt aware that you head had moved in?

When people cut you down or talk behind your back remember, they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you.

You're not drunk until you have to grab onto the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Sometimes life bites you in the Butt. Thankfully I have enough padding there to take the hit.

I sometimes put a sticky note on someone's car saying "Sorry for the Damage" . It's kind of funny watching them look for the damage.

Be the reason someone smiles today! Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.

I need a part-time job that pays $30,000 a week.

My brain is experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by…

Don't they already have enough comedians in Politics?

Karma is like a rubber band. You can only stretch it so far before it comes back and SMACKS you in the face.

Never water yourself down just because someone can't handle you 100 proof

A police office came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. He seemed annoyed when I answered 'Kindergarten"

The more you weigh the harder you are to kidnap. Stay Safe - Eat cake.

I'm 100% sure I called shotgun, while you were shoving me in the back. Yea I realize I'm being arrested but the rules of shotgun are pretty clear, Man.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you need to be 'Saved" or you will "Burn". Stupid Firemen

I started on a new diet. It's called the "I have $10 until Friday" diet

Not one drop of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me

If procrastination was an Olympic Sport, I'd compete in it later.

I Think my problem is that I have really Fantastic bad ideas

I stopped explaining myself when I realized people only understand from their level of perception.

Don't believe all the rumors you hear about me, the truth is much worse.

Old People at weddings always poke me and say "You're Next!" So I started doing the same thing to them at Funerals.

I Hate Tacos! Said No Juan Ever

I have been putting a lot of thought into it and I don't think being an adult will work for me.

Sometimes the first steps to forgiveness is understanding the other person is an idiot.

I hate the term "Crazy" - I Prefer Happy with Benefits.

When I was a kid you didn't have to say "Don't Try This At Home!" Because we weren't complete morons back then.

I believe that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise

When does Hibernation start because I am 100% participating in that.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain has given hope to many people.

Insanity is Hereditary. You get it from your kids.

I'm not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.

I swear some people need a stamp on their forehead saying "DON"T REPRODUCE"

My bank has a new service where they text you your balance. It's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end

If Being sarcastic burned calories, I'd be transparent by now.

“I need to talk to you!!" These six words have the ability to make you instantly recall every bad thing you have ever done, and some you didn't

You know it's been a good day when you didn't have to unleash the flying monkeys.

Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.

Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic park

The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.

My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Now they've invented a pregnancy test with a curved handle so you don't get pee on your hands. Listen, if you aren't ready to get pee on your hands, you definitely NOT ready for Motherhood.

Our town was so small the we didn't have a town Drunk, So we all took turns.

 Look, I'm trying to Rant Here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and Reason

Not to Brag.. I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.

I am fluent in three languages…English, Sarcasm, and Profanity

My Morning coffee makes me feel like I have my stuff together. I don't. But it makes me feel like I do.

My son asked me to explain women to him, SO I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.

I don't need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the Bad and still wants me.

You are going to be Fine. You come from a long line of Lunatics.

I think I need professional Help. A Chef, A Butler and A Maid should do it.

In a packed Elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now Demonstrate the Mating call of a Whale.

If you line up all your Ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental Illness.

Don't use the Bathroom in your dream…It's a Setup!!!

Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they're drunk.

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness Diet. Don't like the taste? Add cocoa, butter, flour, sugar & butter. Bake 30 Min.

Got emotions? There's Alcohol for that.

And then alcohol said "put that on Facebook, it's hilarious". But alcohol was wrong, So Very wrong.

Sometimes it's just more fun to take the low road.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I realize right after I have said them.

Someone offered me grapes but I declined. I'm not used to taking wine in pill form.

I'm not Cheap, but I am on special this week.

That awkward moment when you're singing a song you often sang as a child - and you suddenly understand the lyrics.

Judging by the looks of my hair this morning, I think I may be a Muppet.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled a All-Dayer! Pretty Cool!

I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid

Well what day will you have time for my shenanigans?

Lieabetes (Lie-a-bee-tees) -noun- A serious affliction some people suffer from that prevents them from being able to tell the truth regardless of the situation.

I Planned to take over the world, But I'm Tired

I found some things to do today. They're called mimosas

Wine-O-Lympics Everyone's a winner in these games

The revised Serenity Prayer…God grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the devoted friends who will post bail money when I snap.

Redneck word of the Week Twerk….Imma have two more beers then it's back to TWERK

This antidepressant works best if you take it with water lapping near your hammock on a Caribbean beach.

I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

I never thought I would be the kind of person that would get up early to exercise. I was right.

Wish me luck in the Olympics. Just kidding I'm on my forth cupcake.

Dear God, I've been very good today- No grumpy thoughts, no swearing, no smacking people in the head and no whining at all. But I'm about to get out of bed so I may need some help with the rest of the day.

Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anybody about.

The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a Dirty Mind

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I have a feeling that this is going to burn.

We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're "Offended" and expecting us to care

I 've learned so much from my mistakes I'm thinking of making a few more

It's been one of those "I can no longer be held responsible for my actions" kind of days

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

I used to be crazy but one of my voices is a therapist and declared I am sane.

Just call me the little engine that said "Ok, but I need a cup of coffee first."

What does it mean when Holy water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)?

Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

Diet Tip: If you feel hungry you could really be just Thirsty. Drink a pitcher of Margaritas and see how you feel.

Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

If Pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK.

Oh Lord, Please Keep all the stupid people from breeding. We are getting badly outnumbered down here.

When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

I run entirely on Caffeine and Inappropriate thoughts.

Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent time making it.

Everyone has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.