Some of Sabickford's Greatest Hits!!

Some of Sabickford’s Greatest Hits

I'm not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.

I swear some people need a stamp on their forehead saying "DON"T REPRODUCE"

My bank has a new service where they text you your balance. It's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end

If Being sarcastic burned calories, I'd be transparent by now.

“I need to talk to you!!" These six words have the ability to make you instantly recall every bad thing you have ever done, and some you didn't

You know it's been a good day when you didn't have to unleash the flying monkeys.

Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.

They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

I realized I was an aggressive driver when my 4 year old yelled " Pick A Lane, Idiot!" From the seat in the Grocery Cart.

Water is the most essential element of life, because without water you can't make Coffee.

Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic park

The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.

My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Now they've invented a pregnancy test with a curved handle so you don't get pee on your hands. Listen, if you aren't ready to get pee on your hands, you definitely NOT ready for Motherhood.

Our town was so small the we didn't have a town Drunk, So we all took turns.

 Look, I'm trying to Rant Here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and Reason

Not to Brag.. I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.

I am fluent in three languages…English, Sarcasm, and Profanity

My Morning coffee makes me feel like I have my stuff together. I don't. But it makes me feel like I do.

My son asked me to explain women to him, SO I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.

I don't need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the Bad and still wants me.

You are going to be Fine. You come from a long line of Lunatics.

I think I need professional Help. A Chef, A Butler and A Maid should do it.

In a packed Elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now Demonstrate the Mating call of a Whale.

If you line up all your Ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental Illness.

Don't use the Bathroom in your dream…It's a Setup!!!

Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they're drunk.

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness Diet. Don't like the taste? Add cocoa, butter, flour, sugar & butter. Bake 30 Min.

Got emotions? There's Alcohol for that.

And then alcohol said "put that on Facebook, it's hilarious". But alcohol was wrong, So Very wrong.

Sometimes it's just more fun to take the low road.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I realize right after I have said them.

Someone offered me grapes but I declined. I'm not used to taking wine in pill form.

I'm not Cheap, but I am on special this week.

That awkward moment when you're singing a song you often sang as a child - and you suddenly understand the lyrics.

Judging by the looks of my hair this morning, I think I may be a Muppet.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled a All-Dayer! Pretty Cool!

I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid

Well what day will you have time for my shenanigans?

Lieabetes (Lie-a-bee-tees) -noun- A serious affliction some people suffer from that prevents them from being able to tell the truth regardless of the situation.

I Planned to take over the world, But I'm Tired

I found some things to do today. They're called mimosas

Wine-O-Lympics Everyone's a winner in these games

The revised Serenity Prayer…God grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the devoted friends who will post bail money when I snap.

Redneck word of the Week Twerk….Imma have two more beers then it's back to TWERK

This antidepressant works best if you take it with water lapping near your hammock on a Caribbean beach.

I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

I never thought I would be the kind of person that would get up early to exercise. I was right.

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

You can exercise all you want but you'll never going to burn that crazy off.

IMMATURE: A word often used by extremely boring people to describe fun people.

At Times I'm Grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.

New disease “Idiotitis” the brain shuts down but the mouth keeps talking……..

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”-George Carlin

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

That mmoent you mqke a post and u relise that u speled half the words rong and u lok stupid.

Before you try to hurt my feelings, Take into account that I don't have any, and you probably do.

When a Woman says "Correct me if I'm Wrong." Do not under any, I mean ANY Circumstances do it!!

You are dust and will return to dust…That's why I don't dust. It might be someone I Know.

Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Most of the time. Once in awhile. Never Mind I'll buy my own stuff.

To the teenager who flipped me off for honking at them, Your Cell Phone is on top of your car!

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently this is unacceptable in Bowling.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12 and my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

I've been A lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear nobody recognizes you there. I have however been in Sane, They don't have an airport there, you have to be driven. I have made several Trips.

I picked up a Hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked " Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car are astronomical.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 sec. in my head, That'll freak you right out!!!

Sign On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Sign In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

Sign In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait”.

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”.

Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?" He said "I Forgot her name 5 Years ago and I'm Afraid to ask her!"

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, You are probably holding the Taser wrong.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk & banged on his own door for 5 Min. Problem is, he lives alone. I went over and told him He wasn't there, so he left.

I told my Job that 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise. My Boss asked what companies? I said Power, Electric, and Gas.

So Many Village Idiots - So Few Dragons!

Today, I will be as Useless as the "G" in Lasagna.

Friend: Could you be any more annoying? Me: I've been waiting my whole life for this question…Yes, Oh God, YES!!!

Good Morning Today's Monday and I have no words to describe this day. I do, However, I have TONS of Obscene Gestures.

Why must I prove who I am in order to pay my bills over the phone? So Strangers call to pay my bills? And if they do why don't you let them?

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

I'm still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone Else?

What's That? You heard a bunch of stories from someone who Hates Me? That Stuff MUST Be True!

Interviewer: "So Tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not, I kind of need this job."

I have done terrible things for money….like get up early and go to work!

OMG, I'm Rich!! Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, crystals in the Kidneys, sugar in the blood, Lead ************ Iron in the Blood and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never thought I would accumulate such wealth!

Have a Great Weekend and don’t forget to laugh!!

"We're All In This Together" by Dr. Dinar

Thank you Dr. Dinar

We're All In This Together by Dr. Dinar

Okay, so where are we now.

Where exactly do we stand in this seemingly never ending journey to the GCR.

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea.

And as far as I can tell, nobody else really knows either.

Yes, they continually give their best guesses but time and time again, these guesstimations are anything but correct.

Not to fault them.

After all, they're doing the best they can with what they have to work with.

Having said that, and as much as I'd love to know how close to the finish line we truly are, it makes complete sense that nobody knows the date.

Nor the rate.

For some reason that still doesn't prevent me from wanting just an inkling of info in regards to where we are on the Checklist To Completion.

If such a thing exists. Which I highly doubt it does.

Sure, they have things that need to get be accomplished.

But it always seems as if while they're working on one thing, two other must completes pop up in the meantime.

So with the one forward, two back routine always seemingly in play, how are we ever supposed to reach a conclusion.

All we can do is continue to hope that eventually circumstances will dictate that things must make a change, otherwise everybody loses.

And if you're anything like me, that script-flip can't come a minute too soon.

I recently had cause to reflect on a time when things were so much simpler.

A time when all we were dealing with was the RV of the IQD.

It was a two day trip, two weeks at the most.

We'd done the research, endlessly scowered the map, we couldn't have been better prepared.

All of our gear in order, everything laid out in front of us, To Go bag by the door.

What could possibly go wrong.

Well, as it turns out, quite a few things could go wrong. And did.

First of which was getting banned from one of the very few (at the time) reliable RV sites.

For the second time no less.

Why was I banned?

Well, silly me.

Who knew you weren't allowed to speak your mind.

To give your opinion.

To question authority.

After all, it was an open Forum format, was it not.

Apparently, contrary to popular belief, it was not.

So, after experiencing my second banishment, I determined that if I was to remain connected to the going's on in Dinarland, it was I and not them that was going to have to make a few changes.

With that in mind, I decided it was best to take on an entirely new persona, as well as a new demeanor, if I had any hopes at all of staying connected.

And staying connected, for me, was Job #1.

Armed with a new identity, as well as a new email address, I gave it the ol' college try.

Fortunately for me, the third time was the charm.

I was, as they say, in like Flynn. Whomever Flynn is.

Back in the know.

Back in with the in crowd as it were.

Up close and personal with all the best intel.

Or so I was led to believe anyway.

And you better believe I wasn't going to question it.

Nope, not this time.

I quietly sat in the back of the room, training myself to become a great listener.

As time rolled on I did become just a bit more vocal, connecting with those I resonated with, but I also paid more attention to keeping my questions, as well as my opinions, under wraps.

I will add that at the time I was also connected to a couple other private situations which afforded me an even better glimpse into the supposed behind the scenes happenings .

Keeping in mind that this was a decade or so ago and as it turns out we really hadn't a clue as to what was going on.

Not as far as the GCR was concerned anyway.

The GCR was never really spoken of, and if it was, it was only in the context of something else that was in the works but it in no way would have any affect on the RV.

What I will say though is the history lessons I received while attending those other classes was and is something I'll always be grateful for.

They served as the concrete that created my unwavering foundation, solid in the knowing that this entire GCR thing really is real.

Knowing the initial reasoning behind the RV itself, who some of the major players were, and why they were there really helps to make sense of so much of what we see today, all these years later.

Although most of the folks I've connected with throughout the years have chosen their own ways of making it through to the finish line, at the end of the day we're all heading in the same direction.

Not necessarily in the same boat, but most definitely on the same river.

I'm willing to bet that nobody that has been involved in this endeavor over 5 years ever thought things would go this way.

That it would take this long.

With so many crazy twists and turns.

That so many last broke Friday's would fall by the wayside, leaving us with far too many still broke Monday's.

Yet, here we are and it is what it is.

Nothing we can do about all the time that has passed other than cherish the Economics education we've received, as well as the like-minded friends we've made along the way.

At this point in the game, from here on out we're all paddling down the same river, heading for the same destination.

All of us looking forward to the day we can reach the shore, exchange our paddles for Porsche's (or whatever flavor of fun you desire), and move on to the life of our dreams.

Until then, please continue to do your best to hang in there.

And whatever you do... KEEP ON PADDLIN'!

Remember, we're all in this together.

Kindly,

Dr. Dinar

Disclaimer; I'm not a Wealth Manager, Financial Advisor, CPA, Tax Attorney, RV/GCR Committee member, nor am I the owner of a canoe, nor a banjo for that matter. I'm simply someone that chooses to believe in the power of positive thinking and on the odd chance this thing truly is real, I want to make sure I'm there at the finish line to enjoy it.

From Dinar Recaps Archives

"Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  The History of Cinco de Mayo......... ((( What YOu Didnt Learn in History Class ))) .........

Did you you know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 bottles of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

... But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - SINKO DE MAYO.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

You need a shot of Tequila!

Mot:  .. but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’....

""Fred"" and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year ""Fred"" would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know ""Fred"", but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

 One year Esther and ""Fred"" went to the fair, and ""Fred"" said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, '""Fred"" that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

""Fred"" and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to ""Fred"" and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

""Fred"" replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

************

Mot:  .. Guess I Might as Well Admit it! ~~~~

Mot:  one of the Many Mysterys Ya Have when Raising the ""Wee Folks"" ~~~

Mot:  .. LOL - Out of the Mouths of Babes! ~~~~~

Mot:  .. Latest Tip fer dat ""Marital Thingy"" ~~

Mot:  .. LOL -- Who Can Relate! ~~~~

Sabickford: "A Man Bought a Pocket Taser For His Wife"

TNT:

Sabickford:  This Man Bought A Pocket Taser For His Wife. What Happens Next Is Shocking.

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it.

Some "Warm Fuzzies and Smiles" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT

Mot: The Pay it forward effect

“Today a lady and her mother and husband came in to our Home Depot telling us that the insurance company may or may not pay for their little boy’s walker, so they went on the internet and found plans to make one out of PVC pipe.

My store manager heard about this and we went over to them looked at their plans and said, ‘We got this.’ So, we started putting it together told the family to go and enjoy ice cream and come back in an hour.

Other associates started jumping in and when the family came back it was done. Logan walked around with the biggest smile on his face.

When the family tried to pay us, we said, ‘No way this one is on us.’

Thanks to all that help and for being a blessing to this family and to this little guy."

Mot:  An encounter at a gas station written by Nicole Marie Heintz and shared by Love What Matters is spreading like wildfire as it reveals the very depths of God’s mercy and His contagious love.

The post reads:

So I was just on my way to work and I had to stop for gas so I allowed myself some extra time to get to work. When I pulled up to the pump I shut my car off and saw this middle aged man crying looking at the gas pump. I began to wonder what happened with this man and as I got out of my car and looked at him my heart felt like it stopped.

In Apple Valley, Minnesota it is 10 degrees and freezing cold with the wind. This man was wearing flip flops with socks covered in holes. I look at his car and see his wife in the front seat covering her face in her hands and the 2 teenage girls both cuddling under a blanket in the back seat.

I didn’t even think and I went up to the man and said ‘sir is something the matter?’ He looked at me and I could tell he was on the verge of giving up because he didn’t even try to conceal his tears when he said ‘I can’t even provide for my family.’

Without even thinking I put my card in his machine and told him Jesus Christ the Son of God died to provide for you. Fill up. Something, something came alive in him. He was in shock and it was like he forgot how to pump gas.

In that same moment his wife got out of her car, she asked her husband what was going on and he told her I just payed for their gas she started to cry and came around the corner to shake my hand when I saw her pants dirty and torn. I asked her to come to my car.

The airport lost some of my luggage on my way to MInnesota from California and I had to clean out my closet to find stuff to wear and get rid of a lot of stuff all of that stuff that I had yet to give away was sitting in the back seat of the car and in the trunk. I opened up my car and told the lady to take what she wanted.

This lady RAN back to her car. I was so afraid I had just embraced her but a moment later her and her two girls were digging through those clothes layering my sweatshirts and shirts and sweat pants over the worn out clothes they had been wearing.

Soon the father had finished pumping the gas and came over. This attracted a little crowd at the gas station. And some older man gave the family a gift card and another middle aged man gave away his jacket to the father. Never in my life did I think I would see this kind of thing happen at a gas station with a handful of complete strangers.

But it gives me hope. That the love of God can be so contagious. That we are not alone in being the change we want to see in the world. That God’s love is greater than anything and we get to be a part of that love changing lives. And HE always provides!

************

Mot: Anybody else around in the olden days of Picasso??

Mot:  ... There is a ""New and Exciting" way to Pay!!! ~~

Mot: Printers can be quite temperamental.....

Mot:  .. Yeppers! -- More insight in Raising the ""Wee Folks"" ~

Mot:  ... More Insight into that Relationship Thingy! ~~~

Mot:  ........ HUH!!???? --- What You Say???? ~~~

"A Womans Week at the Gym" Humor While We Wait

From Recaps Archives

Since it's quiet today.... Dinarians will have much more time-Post RV, and will be leaving their computers for a new life of fitness and health.  Warning: You just may want to start out slowly………..

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my husband purchased  me a week of personal training at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines..

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other c*** too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:

B***h***was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,

I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Saturday Night Chuckles Posted By Mot at TNT

Humor While We Wait:

Mot:Ole and Sven die in a snowmobile accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more.

When he returns to the room of the two guys from Minnesota, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking mead..

The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in total misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves and I want to know why!'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer.

The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. 

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and the inhabitants of hell are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl'

**************

Mot:  Are YOU REady !!!! 100 Movies Dance Scenes Mashup to Funk !!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmnSm_d2ll4

Mot: ...... Uh Oh! ~~~~~

Mot: An enjoyable hobby

Mot:  .. oooooh - Be Sooooo Wary of that Marital Thingy! ~~~

Mot:  ... Fer What ever Ales Ya!! ~~~~

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait"

From Recaps Archives

Humor while we wait~ The Best Time For an RV

Midnight to 2 am est......The business day begins in Iraq

9 am est.........banks are open

12 noon est.....west coast banks are open

3 pm est.....Hawaii banks are open

5 pm est.....banks close

8 pm est.....west coast banks are closed

11 pm est....Hawaii banks close

Sunday 5 pm est....Forex updates

Monday......9 am est...make appt for Tuesday

Tuesday....All banks 'sync'

Wednesday......because they forgot to announce it on Tuesday

Thursday.....because its would be great to be in the bank and have money for the weekend

Friday.........Iraq likes Friday

Saturday.....because we have the day off and could still salvage the broke weekend

Anytime America or Iraq has a holiday on a Monday or Friday.......because Dr. Shabbibi always said he needs the banks closed for three days.

Anytime after the morning prayers and announcements in the Mosque in Iraq

After the lower denominations are are distributed.

Immediately after the rate change is posted on the CBI website

24-72 hours after the button is pushed

After President leaves the country......he can't be in country when it happens

As soon as the 'bad guys' are put in jail and the  'cabal' is dealt with

Anytime now since the 'good guys' took the money away from the cabal

After the Prosperity Packages are delivered

When the Black SUV's leave the gurus alone

Any day ending in y

When purple pigs fly.....

Originally posted by PatrickJane at TNT:

**

Forget Newton and Galileo.  Here are the real laws of nature: 

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.  

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
....

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.
 
If you don’t forward this your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

A Quick Thinker:

A man in a grocery store tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce, but the man persists so the boy says he'll ask his manager.
 
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
 
As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the man standing right behind him, so he adds, "And the gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
 
 The manager approves the deal, and the man goes on his way.
 
Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
 
Where are you from son?"
 
"Canada, sir, : the boy replies.
 
"Well, why did you leave Canada?"
 
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and hockey players up there."
 
"Really?" says the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
 
"No kidding?" the boy replies. "Who'd she play for?"

Saturday Night Easter Eve "Humor While We Wait"

TNT: 

Humor (While we wait) From Recaps Archives

Sabickford: I don't just march to my own drum, I lead the parade

So I was at the Bar last night and the waitress yelled "Anyone Know CPR?" and I said "Hell I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well everyone but this one guy.

Deep thought for the day: When you clean out your vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner

To The non Believers - Go ahead and keep rolling your eyes honey, maybe you'll find a brain back there

Sometimes I just want someone to say," I know it's hard. It's going to be okay. Here's a coffee. And 5 Million Dollars."

I think I'm allergic to Chocolate. My Butt and Thighs are showing definite signs of swelling

Grant me wine to accept the things I cannot change, Coffee to change the things I can and a opaque mug so my co-workers can't tell the difference

Remember: Don't make old people MAD. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.

Men of few words are usually married to women with many of them.

Stupid people are like Glow Sticks. I Wanna Snap 'em and Shake them till the light goes on.

Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw up your hands and Enjoy the Ride.

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Hope, No Cash, and No Jobs. Please Lord don't let Kevin Bacon Die.

I always mean what I say….I may not mean to say it out loud but I always mean it.

There are two rules to Success. 1. Never tell everything you know.

I've decided not to have kids. The Kids are taking it really hard.

Burning a bridge takes too long. I prefer explosives!

Parenting: Eating the last three cookies because you have four children.

Kids. They struggle to pronounce words properly. But if they hear a swear word They repeat it perfectly.

Finding Friends with the same mental disorders as you….Priceless!

I decided to reward myself with a well-earned glass of wine after a long week. Then realized it was Tuesday Morning.

Everyone should believe in something. I Believe I should be on the beach drinking margaritas.

The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine, But you should at least check.

I put my symptoms on WebMD and it turns out I just need to be on a beach drinking beer!

Finally My Winter Fat is GONE!!!! I now Have Spring Rolls.

When I'm quiet, people who don't know me think I'm Shy. People who do know me think: "OMG! He's Thinking! Everybody RUN!!!"

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

Marriage counseling - Because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being a Ass

If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, back off to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to the rest of us who can.

***************

Mot: ~~ and Here YOU Thought YOU Had Issues! ~~

Mot:  ..... Soooo Many Uses.. comes only Once a Year!! ~~

Mot:  -- HUH???? What You Say????~~~~~

Mot:  Be Aware of the Recall in process!! ~~ Here to Help OUt I Is! ~~~

Mot:  ..... Sooooooooooo ~~~

Mot:  . Now Ya Knows How He Does it All in One Night! ~~

Mot:  ..... Working with the Seasoned - ""Wee Ones"" at Easter! ~~

Some "Bits and Pieces" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot: "No flowers were harmed in the making of this photo ~~~~~~

 The rare superbloom that occurred in 2019 in southern California, United States.

 A superbloom is a rare desert botanical phenomenon where an exceptionally large amount of wildflowers whose seeds have lain dormant in the desert soil germinate and blossom at roughly the same time. This occurence is associated to a particularly wet rainy season and some specific conditions are required.

 The desert must receive rainfall in the autumn, and this rain must penetrate deep into the soil matrix in order to reach a majority of the dormant seeds of flowering plants.

 In regard to this photo, the photographer Ryan Resatka mentioned, "No flowers were harmed in the making of this photo, the person is standing in an open path and I'm on the edge of a bend from another."

 Ryan Resatka

Mot:  Sooooo Frustrating When They suddenly Change the Rules on Ya!! ~~~

Mot:  Thought I Should Mention that ~~~~

Mot:  ... Hmmmmmmm How True! - How True! ~~~~

Mot:  . Just Finded the Best Ever! - Hiking Tip!!

Mot:  .... Say A Question has Come up on My Gym Thingy!! ~~

"Bits and Pieces" Posted by Mot at TNT 4-7-2022

TNT:

Mot:  "I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why! ...............

The Pay it Forward Effect

"I missed my first flight to LA yesterday and had to catch another. I was so upset, but now I know why!

When I finally got to LAX baggage claim, I went to the bathroom and I heard a woman crying. I was wondering if I should say something like, 'It’s gonna be okay,' but I was nervous and she was speaking Spanish so I didn’t know if she’d even understand me.

I left and came back to the bathroom like four times while I was waiting for my bags to come down (full flight), and I heard her say, 'But the bus doesn’t come until tomorrow.'

My heart dropped, so I asked her if she had Zelle or CashApp. She said no. I asked her if I could pay for a hotel until tomorrow and she stopped crying and opened the stall door AND I SAW THE SLEEPING KIDS.

I felt so happy to help her, knowing I'd just be spending my money on bullsh*t. She rode with me to the Marriott and I got her a room. I’m glad I said something because she was super sweet and appreciative, and she had babies with her."

Mot:  ~~ Now ya'll can understand toooo! ~~~~~~

Mot: ~~~~ You will get a Charge out of this un! ~~~~~

Mot:  When You Are Faced With Dealing with the REAL Challenges of Life! ~~~~

Mot:  Just got back from a trip. Here's what's going to happen now...

Mot:  ........ Did Ya Sing it too!!!??? ~~~