What to Do When Money Causes Friend Drama

What to Do When Money Causes Friend Drama

By Rachel Miller; illustrated by Daniel Zender   Jan 15 2020,

When a pal keeps suggesting restaurants you can't afford or making snide comments about your salary, it's time to say something.

Hard to Say is a column about delicate situations and difficult conversations, for people who wish they could hire a ghostwriter for all their texts.

Knowing you have to have a money conversation with someone is stressful. Even fairly straightforward situations can lead to endless procrastination followed by an hour of strategizing with a close friend before you finally text your roommate… “Hey, could I get the rent check from you later today?”

But the anxiety makes sense: a person’s finances can be deeply intertwined with their ego, identity, beliefs, and sense of self-worth. And because talking about money often means communicating a desire or a need, it can leave us feeling very vulnerable.

But when a friend keeps suggesting pricey activities you can’t afford, or constantly makes snide comments about your salary, avoiding the topic is only going to make things worse in the long run. Learning how to deftly handle these situations is good for your financial health, and the long-term health of your friendships.

Remember you can never really know what’s going on with someone else’s bank account.

When going into these conversations, it’s a good idea to avoid making assumptions about other people’s finances. Even if you know what a friend’s salary is, or can infer certain things based on, say, their lifestyle or past comments, none of us really know what’s going on with someone else’s bank account.

People have staggering debt, medical bills, bad credit, trust funds, credit card points, job perks, alimony agreements, parents who support them, parents who they are supporting, as well as personal desires and values that influence what they want (or don’t want) to spend their money on. And because money is so tied up in self-image and can be a big source of shame, a lot of people simply… don’t ever mention any of this stuff to their friends.

We all know, intellectually, that most people are fairly private about their finances, and that everyone’s definitions of “broke” and “worth it” and “reasonable price for a bridesmaid dress” are going to be different… but it’s easy to forget that when we want certain stories to be true, or when everything would be easier if others’ perspectives were aligned with our own.

If you’re frustrated with how a friend is acting with regard to money, it can be helpful to remember this, and to try to approach the situation from a place of genuine curiosity and generosity.

Make money talk a natural part of everyday conversations.

 To continue reading, please go to the original article here:

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/5dmg3k/talking-about-money-with-friends