Sabickford's Greatest Hits

Humor

Jan 4

Written By Dinar Recaps 20

Humor While We Wait

Sabickford’s Greatest hits (Thank you Sabickford!)

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I'm quite clearly dilly dallying

You can exercise all you want but you'll never going to burn that crazy off.

Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they're drunk.

IMMATURE: A word often used by extremely boring people to describe fun people.

At Times I'm Grateful that thoughts don't appear in bubbles over our heads.

Without Stupid People we would have no one to laugh at. Take the time and thank a Stupid person for their contribution.

Relationships are like a walk in the park - Jurassic Park

They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.

My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.

I'm not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.

New disease “Idiotitis” the brain shuts down but the mouth keeps talking……..

The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”-George Carlin

I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Whenever I pass someone texting and driving, I throw my beer at their window.

That mmoent you mqke a post and u relise that u speled half the words rong and u lok stupid.

Before you try to hurt my feelings, Take into account that I don't have any, and you probably do.

When a Woman says "Correct me if I'm Wrong." Do not under any, I mean ANY Circumstances do it!!

You are dust and will return to dust…That's why I don't dust. It might be someone I Know.

Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Most of the time. Once in awhile. Never Mind I'll buy my own stuff.

To the teenager who flipped me off for honking at them, Your Cell Phone is on top of your car!

After winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently this is unacceptable in Bowling.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12 and my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

I've been A lot of places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've never been in Cognito either. I hear nobody recognizes you there. I have however been in Sane, They don't have an airport there, you have to be driven. I have made several Trips.

I picked up a Hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked " Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car are astronomical.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 sec. in my head, That'll freak you right out!!!

I send flowers "From Steve" to my neighbors wife every Friday Night, then watch them fight from my living room windows eating popcorn.

Sign On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”.

Sign Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

I asked my Grandpa, "After 65 years you still call Grandma Darling, Beautiful, and Honey. What's the secret?" He said "I Forgot her name 5 Years ago and I'm Afraid to ask her!"

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, You are probably holding the Taser wrong.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk & banged on his own door for 5 Min. Problem is, he lives alone. I went over and told him He wasn't there, so he left.

I told my Job that 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise. My Boss asked what companies? I said Power, Electric, and Gas.

So Many Village Idiots - So Few Dragons!

Today, I will be as Useless as the "G" in Lasagna.

Friend: Could you be any more annoying? Me: I've been waiting my whole life for this question…Yes, Oh God, YES!!!

Good Morning Today's Monday and I have no words to describe this day. I do, However, I have TONS of Obscene Gestures.

I'm still waiting patiently for the wisdom that supposedly comes with old age. Anyone Else?

What's That? You heard a bunch of stories from someone who Hates Me? That Stuff MUST Be True!

Interviewer: "So Tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not, I kind of need this job."

I have done terrible things for money….like get up early and go to work!

OMG, I'm Rich!! Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, crystals in the Kidneys, sugar in the blood, Lead ************ Iron in the Blood and an inexhaustible supply of natural gas. I never thought I would accumulate such wealth!

If Republicans Win, I'm leaving the country! If Democrats Win, I'm leaving the country! This has nothing to do with Politics. I just want to travel!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

Finally my winter fat is gone…..now I have spring rolls

Telling a angry woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper "You can See Me?"

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

A woman cut in front of me at the supermarket with a box of tampons, ice cream and wine in her cart. I wasn't about to mess with that situation.

Why must I prove who I am in order to pay my bills over the phone? So Strangers call to pay my bills? And if they do why don't you let them?

Mr. Rodgers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.

Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by the way dogs react to him. For Example if a police K-9 dog is biting him he may not be the ideal.

When a Woman says "Correct me if I'm Wrong." Do not under any, I mean ANY Circumstances do it!!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

My superpower is making people laugh. Which would be great if I was trying to be funny.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket. You know you're not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try.

You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."