Cashpocalypse Now
Cashpocalypse Now
As America creeps toward a cashless future, we make some wildly uneducated guesses about what might help the greenback stay on top.
Words and illustrations by Lucas Adams and James Folta 2.5.2019
2021 American idiots
Bitcoin. Cashless restaurants. Automated cashiers. Venmo. The US Treasury Department’s Bureau of Engraving and Printing is scrambling to save paper currency and their jobs making it. They argue that not only is paper money still hard to knock off, but that our society is also in danger of losing face-to-face interactions forever. Cash needs to become king, again. These middle managers come to a consensus: Americans want more of their favorite presidents, but with more fun and relatability. Treasury introduces bills with depictions of infamous presidential bloopers: Gerald Ford bonking his head on a plane door, Jimmy Carter facing down a swamp rabbit, George Herbert Walker Bush barfing on the prime minister of Japan, and Barack Obama wearing a tan suit. It has to work.
2023 Colorblind voting
It doesn’t. So the Treasury turns to America’s real tastemakers, the public. They launch UPick, an online voting initiative for Americans to submit and vote on colors other than green for money. With over 5 million votes submitted to help pick “The Colors of America,” UPick is a mild success, but there are some surprising results. Winners include: “Recession Brown,” “America in Crisis Pink,” “The Blood of Patriots Red,” and “Yellow Journalism.” Confusion mounts about whether this is “real money,” as people mistake it for receipts, counterfeits, or Euros.
2024 ‘America’s Greatest Moments’
Shaken by America’s taste but still committed to UPick, Treasury introduces a next round to choose which of “America’s Greatest Moments” will be featured on new denominations. New images are selected for inflation-created denominations:
$15: The Gettysburg Address
$23: The 20-Year Anniversary of The Simple Life in 2023
$38: Mr. Met’s Birthday
$62: Apollo 13 (the film)
$123: OJ’s Bronco Chase
$280: The Birth of the Hot Dog
$500: Camille Grammer of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Invites a Medium to a Dinner Party
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