7 Common Money Conflicts in Marriage and How to Solve Them
7 Common Money Conflicts in Marriage and How to Solve Them
By Eileen Ambrose, Senior Editor
From Kiplinger's Personal Finance
You and your spouse probably have different approaches to finances, but you can still live financially happy ever after.
The McClanahans had to step up their communication and teamwork to overcome their debt problems.
Aja and Kelvin McClanahan got married in 2004 knowing that each brought debt to the union. But they didn’t talk numbers before the wedding, and when they added it all up later, the Chicago newlyweds had a shock: Together they owed $60,000, most of it in the form of student loans.
Then, when the couple had a child within the first year of marriage and Aja wanted to stay home with their newborn, she launched her own business—a translation agency—using credit cards to finance start-up costs. The idea didn’t pan out, and she wound up with another $20,000 in debt.
The couple later added $10,000 to their credit card balances and borrowed $30,000 to buy an SUV. “That was a bumpy start to our marriage,” says Aja, now a freelance writer who blogs about money issues.
Aja says it took years for her and Kelvin, a letter carrier, to chop away at the debt because they didn’t always agree about what to do with their money. But eventually, getting out of debt became their top priority, and by 2013 they were debt-free. (So many people asked the couple how they did it that Aja launched her blog not long afterward.)
The McClanahans discovered another benefit of working through their debt: Retiring their loans governed so many conversations, such as whether to go shopping or take a vacation, Aja says, that “it forced us to have those conversations every day. It did not develop into a perfect system, but it helped with our teamwork.”
Managing money is complicated and fraught with emotion, so it’s natural that conflicts will erupt. To find solutions, communication and teamwork are key. If more couples have regular conversations about money issues before and after walking down the aisle, more marriages may last, says Jamie Slaughter, a certified financial planner in Colorado Springs.
If you are married—or thinking about getting hitched—see whether you are at odds on any of these money issues. It will go a long way toward improving your relationship.
1. Different Money Styles
Opposites attract, and that’s especially true when it comes to dealing with money. Even if both partners start off their relationship with similar ways of handling money, over time they will become opposites, says Olivia Mellan, author of Money Harmony.
For instance, if two spenders marry, eventually one will become a saver relative to the other, she says. “Otherwise, they end up bankrupt in four minutes.”
Mellan, a therapist for 42 years, has identified six categories of money opposites: The spender and the saver or hoarder. The money avoider and the money worrier. The risk taker and the risk avoider. The money merger (who wants to combine all the finances) and the money separatist.
The planner (who digs into the nitty-gritty details) and the dreamer (who has a grand vision but no idea how to get there). The partner who thinks money is corrupting and the money amasser who believes that the person who dies with the most money wins.
Opposite styles often lead to friction, which is why money is consistently one of the top two causes of marital conflict, Mellan says. Spouses need to learn to empathize with each other by walking in the other person’s shoes.
She recommends an exercise in which each spouse adopts the other’s money style for at least six weeks. So the spender, say, would save money while the hoarder would open the purse strings. This will move them closer to each other’s style—or at least give each a better understanding of the other’s viewpoint.
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