Sunday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mor at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  When a Texan Farmer makes vacation in Australia!

There he meets an Australian farmer and talks.

The Australian shows off his large wheat field and the Texan says:

“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch for a bit and the Australian shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan farmer immediately said:

“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation is now almost at a standstill when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asked, “And what are those”?

The Australian responds with an incredulous look,

“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

Mot:  Talking dog for sale!

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims.

Then I served my country in Iraq.

And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

****************

Mot: ... Yeppers!!! -- Get Urs Today!!!! 

Mot:  . Can't Win!!! --- siigghhhhhhhh 

Mot: ......... Travel Tip frum ole ""Mot"" of Course!!! ~~~~

Mot: ...... LOL - Gunna Needs a HUGE Bag I Am!!! 

Mot: ... LOL -- sum insight into ya'll

Iraq News and More.....From TNT on Sunday 10-1-2023

TNT:

CandyKisses:  Parliamentary mobilization to oust the governor of the Central Bank: failures and promises not implemented - urgent 

Baghdad today - Baghdad 

On the twenty-fourth of January of this year, the Iraqi Prime Minister, Muhammad Shiaa Al-Sudani, reassigned Ali Mohsen Al-Alaq to the position of Governor of the Central Bank, more than two years after his dismissal from the same position that he held for about six years, from 2014 until 2020.

As the US dollar exchange rate crisis worsened and it continued to rise against the Iraqi dinar, in addition to the rise in the interest rate on loans granted by the Central Bank, voices rose within the Iraqi House of Representatives to demand the dismissal of Governor Ali Al-Alaq from his position and replace him with another to address the high exchange rate and financial and economic reforms after Al-Alaq's failure. In resolving these crises. According to the opinion of the representatives.

In this regard, independent MP Hadi Al-Salami confirms, today, Sunday (October 1, 2023), the continuation of the parliamentary movement aimed at removing Ali Al-Alaq from the duties of managing the Central Bank of Iraq.

Al-Salami says, to "Baghdad Today," that "many representatives have different observations regarding the management of the relationship with the Central Bank of Iraq. There is a major failure in this administration, and despite all the promises and actions taken by Al-Alaq, the central bank is still not in control of the issue of the rise in the dollar exchange rate, and there is exacerbation of this crisis.

His term as president of the bank witnessed a number of financial failures, the most notable of which was the sinking of 7 billion Iraqi dinars in the money store inside the Central Bank building in central Baghdad, and the discovery that other large sums of money had been damaged as a result of humidity and rainwater.

The representative believes, "There are comments on the issue of raising interest on housing loans. This matter will reduce the issue of applying for these loans, which aim to reduce the housing crisis. This matter has caused great public anger, as such measures exacerbate the housing crisis and do not reduce it, despite This crisis has worsened in all Iraqi cities, with the significant rise in real estate prices."

While economic affairs researcher Nasser Al-Kanani, MP Al-Salami, shares the opinion by saying that increasing the interest on housing loans will exacerbate the housing crisis in Iraq, he confirmed in an interview with "Baghdad Today" that "increasing the interest on housing loans will significantly reduce citizens' contributions to... Obtaining these loans, the interest will be very large, and it is certain that this step opposes all efforts to reduce the housing crisis, but rather it will be a factor in exacerbating the crisis."

The researcher continues by saying, "Solving the housing crisis in Iraq requires presenting multiple offers to citizens and employees regarding housing loans, through the loan repayment period, the interest rate, and other encouraging factors to push the citizen to withdraw loans in order to buy housing for himself. This is how the crisis is solved and managed, not "The opposite."

Between 2006 and 2014, Ali Al-Alaq served as Secretary General of the Council of Ministers, during the first and second Maliki governments, before he was named acting governor of the Central Bank for a period of 6 years starting in 2014, in addition to being named president of the "Joint Council to Combat Corruption in Iraq."

Al-Alaq (62 years old) holds a higher diploma in financial sciences from the University of Baghdad. During his tenure as Governor of the Central Bank, Iraq witnessed many crises related to the management of the bank, the most prominent of which was the scandal of fake import documents, according to which the dollar was obtained from the currency auction at the Central Bank, without the companies concerned importing any materials into Iraq.

This comes in addition to the scandal of the drowning of more than 7 billion dinars as a result of rainwater in the Central Bank's warehouse in 2018, and the destruction of other amounts due to humidity. The step of writing Al-Alaq's name on banknotes of denominations of 250 dinars and 1000 dinars, contrary to the approved Iraqi law, led to mentioning The governor's statement and his signature on the currency led to increasing controversy, along with the file of the Central Bank's financing of government deals marred by corruption.

************

Tishwash:  Parliamentary Finance hosts the Ministers of Planning and Finance regarding the delay in budget implementation

The Parliamentary Finance Committee decided to host the Ministers of Planning and Finance; To find out the reasons for the delay in budget implementation.

The head of the committee, Atwan Al-Atwani, said during the committee’s hosting of the governors: “There is a clear failure in releasing financial allocations to the governorates and ministries,” noting that “the committee will host the ministers of planning and finance this week to find out the reasons for the delay in implementing the budget.”

He stated, "The current government has raised the slogan of a national service government, and we will not allow the problem of delaying the disbursement of financial allocations to continue," pointing out, "Our insistence on approving the tripartite budget came to enable the governorates and ministries to implement their plans and programs and to avoid stopping funding at the end of the fiscal year."

He stressed "the necessity of releasing petrodollar allocations to oil-producing governorates," pointing out "the importance of simplifying procedures for approving programs and plans to accelerate the launch of project implementation."  link

************

Tishwash:  Advisor Mazhar Saleh: Sovereign guarantees encourage the business environment in Iraq

The financial advisor to the Prime Minister, Mazhar Muhammad Saleh, explained that the sovereign guarantees relate to covering the issue of default by sectoral entities, stressing that these guarantees are one of the factors of stability and encouraging the business environment in Iraq in a sustainable manner.

Saleh said that the sovereign guarantees granted by the state to various contracting parties express the government’s guarantee that the obligation between the contracting parties will be fulfilled in the event of the primary debtor’s failure to pay.

He added that sovereign guarantees are related to covering the issue of default on the part of sectoral entities, specifically government entities benefiting from the processing, contracting and construction work for investment projects with a strategic dimension. Sovereign guarantees can also cover all types of obligations and pledges in extensive detail, pointing out that sovereign guarantees are before they are granted in the law. The general budget is considered an integral part of financing by borrowing, and one of the components of public debt, in accordance with the international standard in describing government debt and the method of calculating it.

He pointed out that the granting of sovereign guarantees is carried out with great precision by the executive authority and in accordance with the strategic importance of guaranteeing major development projects and encouraging major companies and the business sector to work in our country.

He continued: Therefore, the sovereign guarantees granted by the state to the entities that prepare or implement projects constitute one of the factors for stabilizing and encouraging the business environment in Iraq in a sustainable manner, and removing obstacles and risks that impede development and economic progress, according to the strategic priority that requires granting sovereign guarantees or guarantees.

Prime Minister, Muhammad Shiaa Al-Sudani, confirmed earlier, during his meetings in New York, that the government will provide sovereign guarantees in the budget law to establish industrial and agricultural projects in Iraq.  link

Mot:  .... Breaking news! 

Mot: ... there is sum un who likes those electric chargers fer sure!!

" We May As Well Laugh" From Sabickford and Recaps Archives

We might as well laugh

Sabickford:  The biggest lie I tell myself…"I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it."

My People skills are just fine. It my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud

Ignorance can be trained and Crazy can be medicated… But there's no cure for stupid.

Kids don't know how easy they have it today. When I was Young I had to walk 9 Feet through Shag Carpet to Change the TV Channel.

Good Mom's let you lick the beaters. Great Mom's let you turn them off first.

You don't get smarter as you get older. There is just less stupid stuff that you haven't already done.

Stop trying to change yourself with resolutions. Accept you’re a mess and move on.

If you can't handle me at my worst,,, I don't blame you. I can't either

Don't give up on your dreams…Go Back to sleep

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Mean people don't bother me. Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me.

I love when the smoke alarm cheers me on while I'm cooking

Just calling to remind you that I know you in real life, so your Facebook posts aren't fooling anyone.

Stalking is when two people go for a long walk - but only one of them knows about it.

If you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating

I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat

I don't wish people "Good Morning" I just say "Morning", then it's up to them. I'm not taking responsibility for the stuff

I'm starting to think I'm the ugly friend that gets invited out all the time just to make sure my friends look more attractive.

Some people are such treasures that you just want to bury them

We have been through so much together - And most of it was YOUR Fault

I don't understand why you pay a shrink. I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free.

I don't get offered drugs nearly as much as D.A.R.E. said I would

Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in the commercials.

I'm a proud supporter of messy hair, no makeup, and PJ's all Day! Who's with me.

If you see me eating a salad in a restaurant, I've been Kidnapped and I'm trying to signal you.

I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

My Kids call it "Nagging". I call it "Just do what I freaking told you to do the first time"!

Find people you don't have to hide your weirdness from

I take Coffee with my Cream and Whiskey

I've Been Naughty. It was Worth It!!!!

"Always Drunk" sounds a little harsh. I prefer "Selectively Sober"

Do you ever have so much stuff planned for the next day and then you wake up and You're just like "Nah"?

A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome old joke

Think Old and you'll be old, Think young and you'll be a delusional Old Fart

My Goal was to lose 10 Lbs. this year. Only 15 more to go.

My Diet is best described as"Unsupervised Child at a Birthday Party"

Speaking my mind is easy …. Speaking Tactfully not so much

I tried being normal once but never again will I subject myself to such terrible torture

Auto Correct has Become my Worst Enema

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end you ignore everything and click "I Agree".

When I get bored I like to call in sick to places I don't Work. Today I'm being written up at Kohl's.

I Meditate. I Burn Candles. I Drink Green Tea. And Sometimes I still want to Smack some people.

I'm going to the woods to scream for awhile. Anyone wanna come?

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"......

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me

"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

Mot:  This is what goes on all the time. 

Mot: . Here Ya Go!!! --- Pure Wholesum Foods!! -- YEA!!!!

Mot:  ...... Burn Baby!! -- Burn!!!  Extra spicy food

Mot: ..... Say What????

Mot:  ...... Problem Solved!!! ........ 

Mot: .... and How do Ya Becomes the ""Wisest Man Alive"" ???

"Tidbits From TNT" Monday 9-11-2023

TNT:

Tishwash:  Parliamentary: Article 140 caused a delay in the disbursement of allocations for this category

Mrs. Intisar Al-Maliki expressed her deep concern about the delay in disbursing allocations to affected families due to Article 140, as the number of families who received the checks reached more than 1,500 families in Al-Faw and Abu Al-Khasib districts and the entire Basra Governorate.

Al-Maliki strongly called for the need to achieve justice and equity by disbursing these allocations and compensating the affected families for the damage they suffered as a result of the events that occurred in those areas.

In addition, Representative Intisar Al-Maliki called on the government and the concerned authorities to seriously consider this issue and take the necessary measures to provide support and assistance to these needy families and disburse their overdue financial dues.

We stress the importance of responding to this call in order to achieve social justice and help the affected families in Basra Governorate.   link

CandyKissses:  Integrity: We monitored the waste of 14 billion dinars in tax, retirement and social security in Dhi Qar

Baghdad Today - Baghdad

Today, Monday (September 11, 2023), the Federal Integrity Commission announced that it had detected a waste of 14 billion dinars in tax, retirement, and social security in Dhi Qar Governorate, while indicating that 10 billion dinars from tax deposits had not been recorded as revenue for the treasury.

The Authority's Investigation Department stated, according to a statement received by "Baghdad Today," that "the field team in the Dhi Qar Investigation Office, which carried out investigative work in the Tax Directorate in the governorate, concluded that the General Authority for Taxes and the Dhi Qar Tax Directorate were negligent by not recording amounts." Tax deposits for the years (2011-2017) amounting to (9,869,695,908) nine billion eight hundred and sixty-nine million dinars as final revenues to the public treasury."

The department added, "The team, which moved to the Retirement and Social Security Department, seized the files of the companies registered with it, whose amounts had not been paid," pointing out that the results of the report of the Office's External Audit Division and its investigations revealed the presence of violations committed by the department, explaining that The total amounts that were not collected and wasted amounted to (4,038,436,056) four billion and thirty-eight million dinars, noting that the Authority referred the letter of the Retirement and Security Department to implementation, in accordance with the Government Debt Collection Law.

She continued, "The office monitored that Dhi Qar Oil Company contracted with a foreign company to purchase pipes used to connect oil wells, explaining that Dhi Qar Oil Company changed the origin of the pipes from European to Chinese, while keeping the contracting cost the same, which led to damage." With public money

*************

Tishwash:   How do we benefit from the decisions of the G20 Summit?

The G20 summit began in the Indian capital, New Delhi, and concluded its work over two days in the absence of the Russian President and the Chinese President, and with the participation of the leaders of 28 countries, including the original members of the summit, in addition to the leaders of the countries invited by India to attend the summit.

The leaders participating in the New Delhi summit focused on many plans and solutions aimed at confronting global crises, most notably climate change - which threatened to exacerbate poverty, famines and humanitarian crises, and negatively affected sustainable development plans in a large number of countries, especially developing ones.

The summit’s agenda also discussed many issues. Important ones include ways to promote green development, finance plans to confront the effects of climate change, the European Union Environment and Climate Action Programme, promote strong and sustainable economic growth, the progress that has occurred in efforts to implement the United Nations Sustainable Development Plan, technological transformation and digital infrastructure, and the efforts of international institutions to promote development and shape... The economies of the G20 countries account for about 85 percent of the global gross domestic product, 75 percent of the trade volume, and 60 percent of the world population.

Among the most prominent goals of the G20 are to strengthen and develop the global economy, in addition to reforming international financial institutions and improving the financial system, supporting global economic growth, developing mechanisms for job opportunities, and activating free trade initiatives.

What concerns us in Iraq is how our economy can benefit from the goals and decisions of the summit in particular, and the Iraqi economy is suffering from many problems that are exacerbated as it is affected by the crises and challenges of the global economy, which is also suffering from expectations of the continuation of the food, energy and climate crises, the problems of the Russian-Ukrainian war, and the currency conflict of some major economic countries. Russia and China are working with the US dollar to limit its dominance in financial transactions and exchanges between countries.

Since the successful economic reform in Iraq is not only achieved internally, but rather it is achieved to the extent that the competent economic bodies in Iraq are able to achieve by building diverse financial, commercial and economic relations with the countries of the world, especially the G20 summit countries, with a focus on bilateral relations with the seven major industrial countries and member countries with emerging economies.

At the summit, which currently constitutes an important economic pole in the areas of investment, sustainable development, and building important financial and banking relationships in a way that regulates control over the monetary and commercial market in Iraq, the Central Bank has actually begun concluding banking agreements with India and China, and is making unremitting efforts to conclude agreements with European countries.

Therefore, we believe that the decisions issued by the G20 Summit must be taken into consideration and study how to deal with them through analysis and discussion in the Ministerial Council for the Economy, preparing an analytical and evaluation report to be submitted to the Council of Ministers with recommendations, and setting a time plan for action to achieve activation and strengthening of the existing bilateral economic agreements with some G20 countries and research.

 For new agreements with countries with which we do not have relations in all fields, because our adherence to the global economic system and its international standard standards is the basic solution to our complex and accumulated economic problems   link

Mot: .... Whats the Big Deal - Dude-- Its What Ya Came here fur!!!

Mot:  .... LOL - Had to Share I Did!!!

Men Are Just Happier People......Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  Men are just happier people......

 What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.  

One mood all the  time.  

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own  jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,….He or she can still be your friend.  

Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.  

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.  

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.  

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it ....  and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Saturday Night "Humor While We Wait" posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  ...... DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "..........!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,

you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

Mot:  .. Yeppers.... Another Song acoming!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRh0QiXyZSk

Mot:  .. Jus Saying!!!

Mot:  .. ""Fred"" ~~~~ ggeeshshshshsh   l

Mot:  . As Ya become More Seasoned!!! 

Have You Laughed Today??? (While We Wait)

We have all been there......but this description is beyond pricless....have you laughed today???.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes in a box larg e enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Saturday Night Humor While We Wait Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  A Little Girl Explains The Miracle Of Birth To Her Class, And It’s Absolutely.......

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.

First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man.

They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

“Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along.

**************

Mot:  found his three children outside, still in their pajamas,

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it." 

Mot:  . His Dad Must of been Proud! – LOL 

Mot: . One of Those ""Raising the Wee Folks"" Truisms

Mot ... Those Little Rascals!!! ~~~~~

Humor While We Wait..and Wait.....and Wait Some More.....Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  Hillbilly Moms Letter

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

 This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so dont know if you are an Aunt or Uncle???

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned.

We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup.

One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.

The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

 Not much more news this time.

 Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mom

P.S. - I was going to send you some spending money, but I had already sealed the envelope and mailed it.

Mot:  When Grandma goes to Court, 

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

************

Mot:  . Why back in my day ~~~~~~eggs and TP

Mot:  I have so many questions……

Mot:  .. aaaahhhh YES!! -- getting that ""Forever"" Tattoo!!!  Before and after divoce

Mot: .. heeee heeeee heeeee -- Fooooled Ya - Huh!!! 

Friday Night "Humor While We Wait" Posted by Mot at TNT

TNT:

Mot:  This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, My husband purchased  a week of personal training for me at the local health club.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines..

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other c*** too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:

B***h***was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however,

I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
________________________________

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Mot:  .. and Yet Another Great Dieting Tip - from ole ""Mot"" of Course!!

Mot:  . Ya Know - Sum of those folks at the gym are sumthun =- Huh!!

Mot:  Yeppers... A Marital Thingy!!!