"Humor While We Wait" Saturday Night 9-26-2020

Humor While We Wait!

Sabickford:  Home every day and not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating too much all day. Watching too much TV. Drinking too much at night. Then the Pandemic struck.

"Stop eating out and cook at home, and you'll lose weight." Quarantine has determined that was a lie.

I put the thingamabob inside the whatchamacallit, turned the doohickey and the wuteveritis doesn't work. Any Suggestion?

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It Doesn't. It Poops on the Floor.

Laughter is the best medicine. But a shot of Fireball Whisky never hurts.

They Say you can't Fix Stupid. Turns out you can't Quarantine it either!

I think I still have some unfinished Procrastinating to do from yesterday.

Got Bored today so I put on a Hazmat Suit and went around Chalking a Big Red "X" on random Peoples driveways.

Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of you life , until you die?

Y'all enjoy those 20's, 30' and 40's, because in your 50's that check engine light gonna come on.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

I thought getting old would take longer.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Life is too short to worry about want other people think or say about you. Go Have Fun and give them something to talk about.

I am swift as a Gazelle! With Arthritis. An Old One. Run over by a land rover. Seven Days Ago.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

Don't count your weasels before they pop

Don't regret growing old, It's a privilege denied to many

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Even if you understood women, you'd never believe it

Everybody repeat after me..We are all individuals.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

He is the reason some village is missing it’s idiot

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

I am a deeply superficial person

He who laughs last-thinks slowest.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How do men sort their laundry? Filthy and filthy but wearable?

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense

Hollywood is the place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.

I am having an out of money experience.

I can remember when nostalgia was worthwhile

I Didn't Start the Fire, I just poured Gas on It!

I don't believe in miracles I rely on them.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 
 
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 
 
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."  
 
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.  "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 
 
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever'). 
 
(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...   Go to H***... 
 
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. 
 
 * Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!! 

Men Teaching Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER 

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Sun, January 15, 2014

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM . 

Class 1 

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. 
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.. 

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Class 2 

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.  Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

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Class 3 

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate. 
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 

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Class 4 

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. 
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 

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Class 5 

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM 

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 Class 6 

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups. 
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 

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Class 7 

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 

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Class 8 
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT! 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

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Class 9 

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials. 
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 

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Class 10 

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations. 
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

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Class 11 

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined 

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Class 12 

How to Shop by Yourself. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours