Humor While We Wait- From Maxine
Humor while we wait:
“Quotes from Maxine….Life, Love and Losers”
“I just tried to book a makeover. They said they’d call me when the parts come in!”
“My brain’s not on vacation anymore…but it does seem to be considering an early retirement!”
“Your golden years are a time to start asking yourself life’s big questions…Like, “Now why did I come into this room? I knew a minute ago!”
“My favorite coffee flavor?....Under- a -dollar flavor!”
“I’ve got the ergonomic office chair…but, this job’s still a pain in the butte!”
“When the going gets tough……eat more fiber!”
“Going to work would be easier if I stayed in bed for a living!”
“Let your conscience by your guide……and you will never have any fun!”
“ Remember: Two Wrongs don’t make a right….It takes two wrongs a shin kick and a prank phone call!”
“I like to think of each day as a new mountain to be climbed, a new river to be crossed, a new neighbor to be mooned!”
“The only time I make a splash at a party is when I put more ice cubes in my drink!”
“TV is like a book you can sleep through!”
“Here’s a tip…If you have hot flashes you’re too old for hot pants!”
“You are welcome to kiss the cook. Guess where?”
“Ever get your fast food, and kinda wish they’d taken their time?”
“I tried getting away from it all…most of it followed me!”
“Every once in a while the girls get together for a brunch…that’s a cross between a brawl and a punch!”
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore indefinitely!”
“I have an 8 to 5 job….Unfortunately it comes with a 10 to 2 paycheck!”
“ I work in a big office…..The conference room sleeps thirty!”
“They say that truth is inside you….That must be what’s giving acid reflux!”
“The Journey of 10 feet begins with a single “Where’s the $#%&^*!@ remote!”
“You can lead a horse to water…If you want the water to smell like horse for the rest of the day!”
“I applied for a loan, but the bank had zero percent interest.”
“I feel like I’ve left my mark on the world…..a scar is a type of mark, right?”
“In life there’s no free lunch…Unless you crash a wedding reception…then there’s free cake and booze too!”
“Reach for the stars….It keeps your chest from sagging!”
“I love soap operas…They make me feel so….what’s the word-Normal!”
“Love is in the air…in case you are wondering what that smell was!”
“Catch and release” is pretty much my policy when it comes to dating too!”
“The women in romance novels ought to throw a fit instead of heaving a bosom!”
“Romantic gestures are not my speciality…..driving gestures….sure!”
“If men are from Mars, we need to find the bozo who supplied them with spaceships!”
“Looking for a hot date? Pick any date in August…They don’t get much hotter than that!”
“I like to think of make-up as just another way to lie to men!”
“I’m what they call a “natural woman”….which just means “Not rich enough to get implants!”
“Men are only good for one thing…but, then you have to feed them between car repairs!”
“They say it’s not over till it’s over….Wow, I wonder how long it took ‘em to figure that one out?”
“When people ask me what I do, I say I’m in manufacturing…If they ask what kind, I tell them I make trouble for people who ask too many questions!”
“A single red rose says, “I love you” ….a window box of headless carnations says “Keep your dog in your own yard!”
“My boss asked me to take an anger management class this year…I told him I’m angry enough with management as it is!”
“You can tell Hollywood is full of environmentalists…they keep recycling the same plots!”
“Interesting coincidence…I have firewood, and the neighbor is missing an Adirondack chair!”
“It’s not the heat…It’s the boneheads who keep saying it’s not the heat!”
“I keep a well stock pantry in case friends drop by….I could hide in there for days!”
“I’m not sure that good things come to those who wait….but, I’ve noticed that bad things happen to people who cut in front of me in the express lane!”
“Instead of blogging about your life…try getting one!”
“Personally, I think conservatives and liberals should move toward the middle of the road….Makes it easier to run ‘em over!”
“It’s tough being a Congressman….try patting yourself on the back with both hands in constituents pockets!”
“ All my co-workers have great tans….Especially on their noses!”
“Riding the bus saves gas and helps the environment…plus, what other mode of transportation gives you so many chances to tell people where to get off?”
“ The only thing worse then seein’ a baseball player scratch himself on TV, is knowing he probably earned a couple grand while doing it!”
“The early worm may get the worm…but the night owl gets the tequila!”
