Mot: RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!".

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Mot: The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

After 30 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on, she went: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry-list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist (who, BTW, is a man), got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched -- with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and told him, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!"

Mot: .. Ya Knows this Marital Thingy! - Careful What Ya Agreeee to!!! K!