TNT:

Mot:  Pilot “Gripe Sheet”

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

•

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

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P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

•

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

•

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

•

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

•

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

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P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

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P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

•

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

•

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

Mot:  ITS A MAN THING.

 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods,I got lost and, being a typical man,

I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

 I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.

They wept, I wept, we all wept together.When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing........

Mot: Siiggghhhhhh - How do They Survive!!??? 

Mot:  .... and Just How Do Ya Read the California Signs - anyways????