Should I Tell My Partner About My Dirty Debt Secret?
Should I Tell My Partner About My Dirty Debt Secret?
NERDWALLET By Brianna McGurran
If you're worried about hiding debt from a spouse or partner, you're not alone. Here's how to come clean.
“I’m overwhelmed by student loan and credit card debt, and I’m embarrassed to admit it to my partner. Should I come clean?”
Some secrets are harmless, like eating the last slice of your partner’s favorite cake. Or saying you’re sick to avoid his aunt’s retirement party.
Hiding thousands of dollars in debt does not fall into the “harmless” category. While having debt is just one piece of your identity, it could directly affect your partner also: Maybe you’re unable to contribute to joint savings or keep up with your share of the bills, or you’ll have a harder time qualifying for a mortgage as a couple.
The debt might not come as a surprise if, say, your partner already knows about your lavish sneaker-buying habit. But the longer you wait to divulge the details of your financial stress, the more betrayed your beloved may feel when you eventually do it, says Don Cole, clinical director of the Seattle-based Gottman Institute, which conducts research on relationships.
“It’s better to be honest than to get caught,” Cole says. “The relationship is going to be able to repair much better from a shared problem than one that’s discovered.”
Gather the Facts
First, nail down the specifics of the debt for yourself, says Kelly Luethje, a certified financial planner and founder of Willow Planning Group in Boston.
Understand your loans’ and credit cards’ outstanding balances, accompanying interest rates and payoff dates. That may help you gain some control, and it’s also the first step toward developing a plan to get out of debt.
Time It Right
Confessing your debt balance isn’t first-date fodder. Tell your partner the truth once the relationship gets serious, like by the time you’ve hit the six-month mark.
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