From Recaps Archives

Humor While We Wait:

Sabickford:  Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

The best revenge is massive success

Even Duct Tape Can't Fix Stupid - But it Can Muffle the Sound

When someone asks what I did over the weekend I squint and ask "Why what did you hear?"

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it he will. There is no need to pester him about it every 6 months

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very Dangerous.

If there was a way to read a woman's mind I'm not sure I'd want to. I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know that I am Annoying.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong. I can't wait to find out what it was.

You Can't buy Happiness But You Can Buy Wine And that's kind of the same thing

THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference

I Do not have a screw loose. It fell Out!

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a shovel, duct tape, rope, and a tarp and no one questions your motives.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Lead Me Not Into Temptation, I Can Find The Way Myself

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

Life is too short to drink Cheap Wine

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

To all trolls - Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Thanks to the people who walked in to my life and made it better. And Thanks to the ones who walked out of my life and made it amazing.

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got distracted on my way back, have no idea what's going on, and now I have to Pee.

This has been verified by some recent research on the Dead Sea Scrolls.

How the Internet Began:

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that's how the Internet began.

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TNT:

Teaspot:  What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.

What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? ......... Dogerpillers.

What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.

What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.

What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the Galaxy.

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.

What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? .......................Just follow the fresh prints!

What did the clock do when it was hungry? .................................It went back four seconds.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? ~~~~~~~~~~~~A can't opener.

What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? ........... Anna one, Anna two