Humor while we wait

Thank you Sabickford!!!!

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

"Stop eating out and cook at home, and you'll lose weight." Quarantine has determined that was a lie.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That’s when the fight started.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting

May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.

Is it OK to pull the bag out of the box of wine & stab w straw in it like a giant Capri Sun? Asking for a Friend,

Starbucks is planning on selling Beer and Wine. Apparently it's almost impossible to sell a sober person a $12 cup of coffee.

Me: I thought Juice Cleanses were good for you. Doctor: Drinking Mimosa's and Bloody Mary's for three days straight aren't a Juice Cleanse.

A Man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart, and I'd Like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS Blurted out "You have reached your final destination"

I hate it when I see an old person and then remember we went to High School Together.

What’s the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu? One requires Tweetment and the other requires Oinkment.

About to pull the steaks off the grill. It's my neighbors grill but he's inside and I don't think he can see me.

It's a good thing Farting isn't contagious like yawning. That would be terrible for everyone.

I Do not have a screw loose. It fell Out!

If you boil a Funny Bone it becomes a Laughing Stock. That's Humerus.

Breaking News: The Earth revolves around the sun! This may upset some people who think it revolves around them.

Raise your hand if you also need a little pause from life and its stress. A Little Wine, $6 Million Dollars, A flat Stomach and your own Island.

Hands up if your Momma didn't raise no Fool! A Freakin' Psycho Maybe - But No Fool!