From MarkZ’s Stream Chat

Sabickford:  I'm not much on Seizing the Day, I just poke at it with a stick.

I swear some people need a stamp on their forehead saying "DON"T REPRODUCE"

My bank has a new service where they text you your balance. It's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end

If Being sarcastic burned calories, I'd be transparent by now.

“I need to talk to you!!" These six words have the ability to make you instantly recall every bad thing you have ever done, and some you didn't

You know it's been a good day when you didn't have to unleash the flying monkeys.

Don't be afraid of being outnumbered. Remember Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.

They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

I realized I was an aggressive driver when my 4 year old yelled " Pick A Lane, Idiot!" From the seat in the Grocery Cart.

Water is the most essential element of life, because without water you can't make Coffee.

Relationships are like a walk in the park- Jurassic park

The hardest part of parenting is trying to fake mad when your kid does something bad but Hilarious.

My soulmate is out there somewhere, pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Now they've invented a pregnancy test with a curved handle so you don't get pee on your hands. Listen, if you aren't ready to get pee on your hands, you definitely NOT ready for Motherhood.

Our town was so small the we didn't have a town Drunk, So we all took turns.

 Look, I'm trying to Rant Here. Stop interrupting me with Facts and Reason

Not to Brag.. I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions.

I am fluent in three languages…English, Sarcasm, and Profanity

My Morning coffee makes me feel like I have my stuff together. I don't. But it makes me feel like I do.

My son asked me to explain women to him, SO I bought him a Xbox game for his PlayStation.

I don't need someone who sees the good in me. I need someone who sees the Bad and still wants me.

You are going to be Fine. You come from a long line of Lunatics.

I think I need professional Help. A Chef, A Butler and A Maid should do it.

In a packed Elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now Demonstrate the Mating call of a Whale.

If you line up all your Ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental Illness.

Don't use the Bathroom in your dream…It's a Setup!!!

Before you ask me to babysit I think you should know that I think kids are super funny when they're drunk.

Eggs are fantastic for a fitness Diet. Don't like the taste? Add cocoa, butter, flour, sugar & butter. Bake 30 Min.

Got emotions? There's Alcohol for that.

And then alcohol said "put that on Facebook, it's hilarious". But alcohol was wrong, So Very wrong.

Sometimes it's just more fun to take the low road.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I realize right after I have said them.

Someone offered me grapes but I declined. I'm not used to taking wine in pill form.

I'm not Cheap, but I am on special this week.

That awkward moment when you're singing a song you often sang as a child - and you suddenly understand the lyrics.

Judging by the looks of my hair this morning, I think I may be a Muppet.

Shout out to everyone who got through the day without taking a nap. Pulled a All-Dayer! Pretty Cool!

I think way too many people have been drinking from the Fountain of Stupid

Well what day will you have time for my shenanigans?

Lieabetes (Lie-a-bee-tees) -noun- A serious affliction some people suffer from that prevents them from being able to tell the truth regardless of the situation.

I Planned to take over the world, But I'm Tired

I found some things to do today. They're called mimosas

Wine-O-Lympics Everyone's a winner in these games

The revised Serenity Prayer…God grant me the strength to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the devoted friends who will post bail money when I snap.

Redneck word of the Week Twerk….Imma have two more beers then it's back to TWERK

This antidepressant works best if you take it with water lapping near your hammock on a Caribbean beach.

I've expanded my skills. I can now forget what I'm doing while I'm actually doing it.

I never thought I would be the kind of person that would get up early to exercise. I was right.

Wish me luck in the Olympics. Just kidding I'm on my forth cupcake.

Dear God, I've been very good today- No grumpy thoughts, no swearing, no smacking people in the head and no whining at all. But I'm about to get out of bed so I may need some help with the rest of the day.

Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anybody about.

The secret to being happy is having a good sense of humor and a Dirty Mind

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. I have a feeling that this is going to burn.

We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're "Offended" and expecting us to care

I 've learned so much from my mistakes I'm thinking of making a few more

It's been one of those "I can no longer be held responsible for my actions" kind of days

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin' Catholic

You may not have lost all your marbles, but there's definitely a hole in your bag.

I used to be crazy but one of my voices is a therapist and declared I am sane.

Just call me the little engine that said "Ok, but I need a cup of coffee first."

What does it mean when Holy water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)?

Some say that their body it a temple…Mine is a bouncy castle

Diet Tip: If you feel hungry you could really be just Thirsty. Drink a pitcher of Margaritas and see how you feel.

Today I bought a doughnut without the sprinkles. Diets are hard.

If Pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

Never ask a woman eating ice cream straight from the carton if she is OK.

Oh Lord, Please Keep all the stupid people from breeding. We are getting badly outnumbered down here.

When you see my head tilt to the right and I start to stare into space, I would RUN! The voices inside my head gave me a brilliant idea. Be very Afraid!

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which comes from a tree. That makes it a plant, therefore , Chocolate counts as a salad. You're Welcome.

I run entirely on Caffeine and Inappropriate thoughts.

Why Weigh yourself? You could set yourself on Fire and then roll in Broken glass and still feel the same way.

Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent time making it.

Everyone has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.