How to Apologize: The 6 Steps of the Perfect Apology

By Matt Berical

The perfect apology consists of six distinct components. Master them and learn how to repair mistakes before they turn into conflicts.

 “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Is there any more worthless a platitude? When you’re in a relationship, especially for any significant period of time, you are going to have to say sorry for something. But do you know how to apologize effectively? There are different grades of apology: There’s the “Oh, sorry,” apology you cast off when you just want someone off your back. There’s the blunt “I’m sorry, okay?” when you sort of mean it (but not really).

We all do those — and there’s a time and place for it — but being on a receiving end of a non-apology apology sucks. When you really, truly need to apologize for something you’ve done, something that has wronged or insulted or hurt your partner, you need to understand the components of a true apology.

So what makes for a good apology?

You have to mean it, sure. But, per Roy Lewicki, professor emeritus of management and human resources at Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business, there’s a narrative structure that every good apology should follow. An expert on negotiation, Lewicki spent years researching what makes an apology. Like any narrative, he realized, it must stick to a certain structure. As such, he’s broken it down the perfect apology into six components.

Understanding these six steps will allow you craft an apology that really, truly means something. It sounds a little complex, but Lewicki explains that, when followed properly, these six steps are not only very simple, but also quite effective. We asked Lewicki to break down each one and explain how and why they work so well.

How to Apologize: The 6 Elements of a Good Apology

1. Expression of Regret

To start, you simply must tell the other person that you’re sorry for what you did. It’s important that you get this part right, because it will set the tone for everything that follows. Tone is crucial. If you sound insincere, sarcastic, or at all annoyed, then whatever else you have to say will ring hollow.

“What this does from the speaker’s point of view is try to express how sorry they are for the offense,” Lewicki explains. “This is where tone can make a difference. You can say, ‘I’m really genuinely sorry,’ and communicate some emotionality in that. Or you can be sarcastic and say, ‘I’m sorry, did I offend you?’ and totally diminish the content of your apology.”

2. Explanation of What Went Wrong

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